


Just How Fast

by mycroftpoppins



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, pre-hiatus AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-03-26 06:00:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13851576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mycroftpoppins/pseuds/mycroftpoppins
Summary: They’re always at each other’s throats, but they’re both stupidly trying to cling to whatever it is they have between them. Niall’s pretty sure at this point, it’s only for the sake of the band. If they break up, the band is done and everyone knows it. They’re a ticking time bomb.-----When Harry dies unexpectedly, Niall's given a second chance to make things right by reliving the past three days.Only he can figure out what's fate and what, if anything, is within his power to change.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you to my wonderful beta, [sakabelle](https://t.co/nTP2hyRLrg). This would not exist without you.
> 
> This story is loosely based on an old tv Christmas movie called Three Days. This story is not a Christmas story, but I took the premise of reliving the past three days and removed the ridiculous angel that was part of the movie plot. Most of it's different, though the fate of the characters is similar so it will spoil the movie... which is on youtube by the way.
> 
> It IS finished and I will do my very best to post every Friday... though you may get a surprise Thursday post if I'm expecting to be busy on a Friday.

“WAKEY WAKEY NIALL! RISE AND FUCKING SHINE!”

Louis pounces on the bed and Niall groans.

“Fuck off,” Niall mumbles, pulling the covers over his head.

He feels the bed shifting and then it’s bouncing up and down beneath him, squeaking with each movement as Louis, presumably, jumps on his bed like the fucking child that he is.

“WAKE UP!”

If Niall was a crueler person, he’d kick his foot out and send Louis toppling to the floor. But he’s not and he’d really rather not hurt him, so he just sighs.

“I’m awake. Fuck off. I’m getting seasick.”

The bed thuds as Louis plops down on his arse. Niall finally pulls the covers down and glowers at him.

“Was that necessary?”

“Yes,” Louis says, grinning proudly. “Now get up.” He makes a face. “Unless you’re naked under there and then, kindly wait until I’ve left the room.”

“‘M not naked,” Niall mutters, sitting up and tossing the covers off. He climbs out of bed and heads for the bathroom. “Bout to be though so get the fuck out of my room.”

“We’re due downstairs in an hour. Don’t be late. You know how Harry and Liam get.” Louis says, flipping on a dime and suddenly getting serious. Niall hates it when he tries to act like a grownup. It was only a few months ago that he was no better off than Niall is now. He has the least right of any of them to judge Niall.

“Yeah. Whatever,” Niall finally shuts the bathroom door and turns the shower on. He listens until he hears the hotel room door open and shut, then sighs, stripping and climbing into the shower.

He has the worst fucking hangover, but he’s pretty sure he’s hungover more often than not these days, so he’s gotten used to it. It’s a state of being for him now. He and Harry had had a huge fight again last night. It’s always something, lately. They’re always at each other’s throats, but they’re both stupidly trying to cling to whatever it is they have between them. Niall’s pretty sure at this point, it’s only for the sake of the band. If they break up, the band is done and everyone knows it. They’re a ticking time bomb.

Last night’s fight was a pretty standard one. They’re due on Ellen today and Harry thinks it’s the perfect opportunity to come out. Harry thinks _everything_ is the perfect opportunity to come out. He says he’s tired of hiding, tired of not being able to show the world how in love they are, how happy they are. Love and happiness, Niall thinks bitterly, are the last words he’d associate with them right now.

Niall’s not ready to come out. He’s a private person and, guy or girl, he’s never believed his partners were anyone’s business. It’s not that he doesn’t want the world to know about him and Harry, it’s that he doesn’t want the world in his fucking business, doesn’t want their relationship under a microscope. He prefers to love in peace and quiet.

But again, that’s assuming he and Harry are still in love. He’s not so sure anymore.

He lathers shampoo into his hair, tilting his head back into the stream and washing it out. The warm water eases his pounding skull, so he stands there for a bit, just letting it soothe him, taking deep breaths in and out.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to love Harry. He does want to. More than anything. But wanting to love someone and actually loving them are two very different things. They fight so much now, spending most nights alone instead of sneaking back and forth between each other’s rooms like they used to. They can go days without speaking to each other if they get angry enough or stubborn enough. Niall doesn’t even want to think about the last time they made love. He can’t remember when it was.

He finally forces himself to finish washing up, really not wanting to have another run-in with Louis this morning. Today is already going to be stressful enough with one of his three bandmates pissed off at him. If Louis has to retrieve him, it’ll mean Louis and Liam will be pissed at him for running late. Not like it would be anything new, really. Niall’s used to being the black sheep of the band now.

He climbs out of the shower and towels off before wrapping his towel around his waist and heading out to pick out his clothes.

When he’s finally dressed, he goes to join the boys downstairs. They’re draped over various chairs in the lobby and he can’t help but notice the way the conversation screeches to a halt as soon as they see him. Harry scowls but doesn’t say anything. It’s Liam who speaks up, trying to diffuse the situation as always.

“Right on time,” he says with a grin that’s far too wide. “Ready to go?”

Niall nods and Louis and Harry finally pull themselves up before they head out the back entrance of the hotel to the cars waiting to whisk them off to the Warner Brothers’ lot. There’s two cars and Niall climbs into the first one, not the least bit surprised when it’s Louis that clambers in after him. Liam and Harry head for the second car.

Niall leans his head back against the seat, shutting his eyes and hoping for a nap. He probably should have known better with Louis.

“Harry says you had a fight again.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You might as well tell me your side. I’ve already gotten an earful from Harry.”

Niall sighs and opens his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. Harry’s right, I’m wrong. That’s always the band consensus.”

“Fuck off,” Louis snaps. “You know that’s not true.”

Niall scrubs his hands over his face. “You know what happened, Lou. Same shit, different fight.”

“Tell me,” Louis prompts, voice oddly gentle. Niall resents it. He doesn’t want to be coddled. He just wants to be left alone.

He shuts his eyes again. If he’s going to do this now, he doesn’t want to look at Louis.

“Harry wants to come out today. He knows the sort of questions Ellen always asks on her show and he wants to use them as an opportunity to just let it all out. I think coming out on a talk show is stupid and flashy.”

“You think coming out period is stupid. Don’t blame it on the talk show.”

“Well it is stupid! What good has it ever done for any of us to have the public in our relationships? People trashed you and El all the time because they wanted you and Harry to end up together.”

Louis’s voice takes on a dark edge. “I wouldn’t go down that path if I were you, Niall. If you and Harry had been out, people wouldn’t have been all over me and El.”

“The point still stands. It did fuck all for either of you to splash your relationship everywhere and now where are you? Writing sappy fucking love songs trying to win her back because she couldn’t take it anymore.” Niall doesn’t know why he’s pressing so hard, knows he’s entering dangerous territory, but he wants to take the focus off his relationship with Harry.

“Oh because you’re suddenly a relationship expert?”

“Piss off. I didn’t even want to talk about this shit. You were the one that made me.”

“Excuse me for caring about two of my best friends and wanting them to be happy.”

Niall snorts derisively. “Happy is a dream that died a long time ago, Lou.”

Louis doesn’t say anything else for the remainder of the car ride. Niall opens his eyes to stare out the window, watching the world pass by in a blur of colors. He’s not even sure he knows what ‘happy’ means anymore.

*****

Harry sniffles, wiping at his eyes. “Last night was just… it was one of our worst yet. It’s so hard to talk to him when he drinks the way he does. I think he does it so he doesn’t have to deal with me when he’s sober. He can hardly look at me when he’s sober.” His breath catches and he coughs a little, trying to maintain some composure. He doesn’t want to have a full breakdown right before a taping of all things. He can’t risk makeup not being able to cover it.

He looks down, fumbling with his hands in his lap. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I love him, but I think I love who I thought he was and not… not who he’s turned into. I don’t know this Niall. He’s cruel and he lashes out and he’s clearly ashamed to be with me. I just… I don’t think he loves me anymore. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me. I deserve better, don’t I?” His gaze flicks up to Liam’s, his dark brown eyes wide and sympathetic.

“You do, Haz, but it’s Niall we’re talking about, yeah? He’s just going through a rough patch. Things will get better. He still loves you. He just needs to remember that.”

Harry swallows hard, burying his face in his hands. He wants to believe it. He wants so desperately to believe the Niall he first fell in love with is still in there, the bright-eyed ball of sunshine who could light up the world with a smile. He was a Niall ready to take the world by storm, always ready for an adventure, always open and affectionate with Harry, no matter where they were or who was watching. Harry doesn’t understand how it all changed so quickly. One day, he and Niall had been dancing together on stage and the next, it felt like Niall spent most shows at the far end of the stage from him.

There are tears streaming down his cheeks when he finally drops his hands.

“I love him so fucking much and I want to ask him… I want to ask him if he loves me too because he doesn’t say it. I don’t know the last time he said it.”

“Why can’t you ask him?”

“Because what if he says no?” Harry starts sobbing then, face falling back into his hands. He hears the click of Liam’s seatbelt before he’s shifting across the seat, wrapping a strong arm around Harry’s shoulders. Harry unhooks his own seatbelt and falls into him, dropping his hands so he can tuck his face into Liam’s chest, wrapping his arms around him.

“You have a right to know,” Liam murmurs. “You can’t keep letting it tear you apart inside like this.” He sighs softly, rubbing Harry’s arm. “If Niall wasn’t Niall, I would have decked him by now.”

Harry breathes out a wet laugh. “Probably best if you don’t go around punching your bandmates. Think of the tabloids.”

He feels Liam’s shoulder shift with his shrug. “If I ever get to that point with him, I’m not sure I’ll care. I hate seeing you like this.”

“I’m sorry I’m always dumping this on you. It’s not your burden to bear.”

“Hey, you’re one of my best mates,” Liam says gently. “I’ll always be here to listen.”

“Thanks, Li,” Harry says with a sigh, letting himself sink into Liam’s warmth, trying not to wish it was Niall holding him instead.

*****

They arrive at the studio and are ushered inside by a member of Ellen’s team. Niall glances at Harry, brow furrowing when he can tell his eyes are red-rimmed.

“Harry?” He calls out without really meaning to.

Harry barely spares him a glance but it’s enough for Niall to see that his eyes are still a bit glassy, nose red. Niall feels something clench painfully in his chest. He hates seeing Harry like this, knows that it must be his fault somehow. It’s always his fault these days.

They’re separated off into dressing rooms and Niall doesn’t see Harry again until they’re walking on stage to Steal My Girl blasting over the speakers. Makeup has worked wonders on Harry and the smile lighting up his face is a startling contrast to the dark frown that marred his features only a few short moments ago.

They take their seats, Liam, Harry, Louis, Niall. He’s pretty sure he nearly ended up next to Harry, that it wasn’t just awkward shuffling but a calculated shift that placed Louis between them. It shouldn’t sting, but it does.

“So,” Ellen starts. “You boys kick off the US leg of your On the Road Again tour tonight in San Diego.” The audience screams and the group smile and nod politely at them before it dies down and they turn back to Ellen.

“We do, yes,” Liam answers for them. “We’re very excited about it. We love being in America. Very enthusiastic crowds, as I’m sure you can tell.” The audience cheers again and the boys laugh with Ellen.

“Enthusiastic indeed,” she says. “So this is your fourth world tour in as many years. Seems like a pretty hectic schedule. How do you keep yourselves sane? How do you relax?”

Niall can’t answer these questions. Sane? He’s not sure he knows the definition of the word anymore. His world has flipped upside down. He stays quiet, letting someone else field it. Thankfully, Louis does.

He chuckles and it sounds forced. Considering the strain they were all under this morning, it probably is.

“Well, we all have our necessities on tour, little things that remind us of home or ways to escape from the world for a bit. Always nice to bash out our troubles with a round of FIFA. We just have to know when to take time for ourselves, you know? And as the years have gone by, I think we’ve gotten better at that.”

It’s a lie and Niall knows it. They’re always in each other’s hair, always in each other’s business. They can’t not be when they’re together 24/7. It’s why things are falling apart so spectacularly now. They’ve spent too much time together, know each other too well. It used to mean that they’d know how to read the signs to take care of each other. Now… now it means they know all the right buttons to push when they’re angry and the smallest spat can turn into a shouting match in the blink of an eye.

“Sounds like you’ve got a pretty good handle on things,” Ellen comments and Louis nods. “So,” she continues, reaching down into a box beside her and pulling out paddles with red and green on either side. “I thought I’d make things a bit more interesting today with a game called ‘True or False’.” The audience cheers and Ellen hands the paddles out to the boys. “I’ll make a statement and you just need to hold up your response. For instance, One Direction is the best band ever.”

Another time, Niall might have been a little shit and held up ‘False’ for laughs. Right now, he’s not really in the mood and he’s pretty sure the boys don’t have that level of patience for him. He holds up the green ‘True’ side and checks that the others have all done the same.

“Perfect!” Ellen says, holding up her own ‘True’ paddle. “Next statement: I’ve been known to sing in the shower.”

Every boy holds up ‘True’ along with Ellen and laughter filters through them and the audience.

“Any particular favorite tunes?” she prompts.

“I’m partial to ‘Go Your Own Way’ by Fleetwood Mac,” Niall chimes in, since he hasn’t said anything yet. It’s an easy enough question to answer. “The acoustics really fill it out.”

“I’ll have to try that one next time,” Ellen says with a laugh and Niall chuckles politely. “Alright… I am single.”

Ellen holds up ‘False’. What Niall is expecting and what actually happens are two vastly different things. Liam holds up ‘False’ and he should be the only one. Except, Harry’s sitting there with a bright red paddle and a cheeky smile on his face.

“Now, Liam, I know you’re with Sophia, correct?” Ellen prompts.

Liam’s wearing a puzzled expression and it takes him a moment to register that he’s been addressed. “Ah… yes. Yup. Just over two years now,” he says and the audience cheers. He grins broadly and if Niall didn’t know them all so well, he would have missed him side-eyeing Harry. So he’s seen the paddle too.

“Congratulations!” Ellen says, but her attention is easily diverted. “Harry… man of mystery over here. Something you’d like to share with the class?” she presses.

Harry giggles, a bit hysterically, and Niall feels a swoop in his gut. Louis finally seems to realize what’s happening and his eyes widen for a second before he reins himself in. He shifts, as if trying to get more comfortable, but he shoots a glance at Niall’s paddle, brow furrowing when he sees the answer. Niall swallows hard, trying to remind himself how to breathe.

“Well… I’m not single,” Harry says coyly.

Ellen giggles. “Yes, I think we gathered that. Aren’t you gonna tell us who the lucky girl is?”

Harry still hasn’t looked at Niall at all. Niall feels ready to faint, the stage lights suddenly far too bright, too hot. He rolls the paddle between his hands, just needing something to keep him occupied.

“Now, Ellen,” Harry coos. “I’m a gentleman and you know us gentleman never kiss and tell.” He bats his eyelashes, giggling when it makes the audience cheer, his cheeks turning pink. In any other circumstance, Niall might think it was cute, but right now… he sort of wants to strangle Harry. Something twisted and ugly sits in his stomach and he finds himself clenching the paddle so tightly, his knuckles turn white. He loosens his grip quickly, knowing how fast the internet can pick up on their body language and he takes a deep breath, tossing the paddle between his hands.

“Fair enough,” Ellen says and just like that, the game progresses. Niall tries to force himself to relax, but he can’t seem to focus anymore. He’s pretty sure he answered some of the questions completely incorrectly, but he cares fuck all about a stupid game right now. How could Harry do that to him?

Ellen finally gets them to commercial and it’s time to change for their performance coming up after the break.

Without thinking, Niall chases after Harry, grabbing him by the arm.

“Harry, what the fuck was that?” Harry whips around to look at him, Liam and Louis hovering just behind Niall. He can sense the tension radiating off of everyone, vibrating in the air around them.

“What the fuck was what?” Harry says, playing dumb, which only makes the anger boiling beneath the surface bubble up.

“You know what I’m talking about,” Niall nearly shouts, taking a deep breath and gritting his teeth when he sees a few of the aides stop and stare. He glares at Harry. “Dressing room. Now.” He snaps, before whirling on Liam and Louis. “And you two, stay the fuck out of it.”

They stare at him, wide-eyed. Louis holds up his hands, but neither say a word as Niall spins back around and marches off towards his dressing room, expecting Harry to follow.

When they’re safely enclosed in the room, Niall rounds on him again.

“How fucking dare you?!” He spits out, watching as Harry shrinks into himself, eyes darting around the room. “What the fuck were you thinking?!”

“I-I…” Tears are quickly forming in Harry’s eyes. “I didn’t mean anything by it. I just…”

“You just… what?! How could you do that to me?!”

Harry finally meets Niall’s gaze. Niall can’t quite read the look in his eyes. Tired, maybe. Broken.

“I can’t hide anymore. I don’t…” Harry tilts his head down, gaze falling to the floor as tears start to slip down his cheeks. He lets out a growl of frustration that startles Niall and when he looks back up, his eyes are blazing, even as he continues to cry. “I’m tired of you treating me like I don’t exist. I exist. This fucking exists,” he says, motioning between them. “You might not want to come out anytime soon, but I’m done. I’m ready. You stay in your dark little closet if you choose to, but… I want to live my life as me. With or without you.” With that, Harry storms out, slamming the door so hard, it rattles on the hinges.

Niall stares at it, wide-eyed. He feels tears start to form in his own eyes and he wipes at them angrily. Fuck this. Fuck Harry. Fuck ever believing any of this was worth it.

*****

Harry keeps his head ducked as he hurries to his dressing room, hair falling down to hide his face. As soon as the door shuts behind him, he breaks into sobs, throwing himself down on the couch in a dramatic heap.

He hadn’t really meant to do it. Even he’s not sure what he’d been thinking. Ellen had made the statement and something wild and desperate flared up in Harry. For one, brief moment, he’d just wanted to believe he lived in a perfect world. He hadn’t meant anything by it. He’d just gotten tired of hiding and he’d thought maybe… just maybe… if Niall could see that he was brave enough to take the first step, Niall would be brave enough too.

He’s not really sure why he’d expected anything less than what had just happened. If Niall hadn’t hated him before, he sure does now.

And now, Harry’s vowed to come out. To what end, exactly, he’s not sure. That wasn’t really supposed to happen either. But he’d been so angry and so tired of Niall screaming at him yet again for just wanting to love him that something in him had snapped. He’s not really sure he wants to take it back.

He takes in deep, shuddering breaths, trying to compose himself. He’s going to need another visit with makeup. At the rate he’s going, they’re going to think someone’s died today. Maybe someone has. Maybe it was Harry.

 

They’d chosen to perform Night Changes. It’s not particularly exciting, but they’d all contributed to it, so it had made sense for it to be a single.

Harry’s head is pounding and he’s kind of grateful for a slower song. He doesn’t have to dance around or hype up the audience. He can just sort of stand there and sway a bit and mostly, try not to throw up from the nausea.

The audience cheers as they enter and find their mics and of course, of fucking course, he and Niall are side-by-side. He can’t really swap out their microphones the way he’d switched his seat. It’d be far too obvious.

He sees Niall shoot furtive glances at him as he gets situated with his guitar, but Harry can’t bring himself to look at him, just focuses on getting situated, glancing out over the audience but not really seeing much of anything.

Ellen comes back out to introduce them again and then, Niall is singing, his voice soft and sweet and so at odds with the Niall that was just screaming at him backstage. This is the Niall he’d curl up with at night, warm and snug under the covers, whispering secrets in the dark, the Niall that made Harry feel like he was Niall’s whole world.

When it’s Harry’s turn to sing, the lyrics tug at something inside him and he can’t help but look over at Niall as he sings the chorus.

 _We're only getting older baby_  
And I've been thinking about it lately  
Does it ever drive you crazy  
Just how fast the night changes?  
Everything that you've ever dreamed of  
Disappearing when you wake up  
But there's nothing to be afraid of  
Even when the night changes  
It will never change me and you

He can tell Niall is making an effort not to look at him, watches his throat bob as he shifts on his feet. Harry finally looks away, wishing he could believe the lyrics. Everything is changing, warping into something twisted and diseased and no matter how much he wishes they were strong enough to survive this, he’s starting to lose hope. Three years. Three long, nearly perfect years growing together, changing together, all coming unraveled in just the span of a few months.

For a moment, Harry forgets to pick up at the chorus until Louis reaches out and swats at him a bit and he suddenly comes to his senses. Funny, he thinks, the internet will probably be all over the Larry moment. Louis keeping an eye on Harry. But Harry barely even registers that he’s there, that anyone but Niall even exists at the moment.

Harry clings to the last note of the song like a lifeline. He knows the fans appreciate it when he draws out notes. What they’ll never know is how afraid he is of what’s waiting for him when the note finally ends.

*****

Niall’s too restless to stick around the hotel. It takes him all of five minutes pacing his room to text the one person he knows he shouldn’t be texting before calling an uber to pick him up. He knows where he’s going, he’ll be in no condition to drive when he’s done.

When the uber pulls up outside the gate of a frightfully oversized mansion, Niall hops out and waits for him to drive off before punching in the code and heading up to the house. He doesn’t even knock, just enters and wanders until he finds Zayn in the basement, sprawled over a giant bean bag chair with a joint already hanging from his lips. He tilts his head back when Niall enters.

“Sup?” He mumbles around the tip of the joint.

Niall sighs heavily, falling into the second chair and nods in thanks when Zayn instantly passes over the joint. He takes a long hit, enjoying the way the heat licks at his throat and burns his lungs. He breathes the smoke out in a sigh and hands the joint back.

“Long day?” Zayn asks.

“The worst,” Niall mutters. He scrubs both hands over his face, then musses up his hair and readjusts it.

“Harry?”

“Yup.”

“Rough, mate.”

“Yup.”

Niall likes the stupid simplicity between them. Zayn never pries, just lets Niall say or not say whatever he needs to. Tonight, Niall’s not really in the mood for conversation. He just wants to get fucked up and maybe play a bit of FIFA and forget that his world isn’t getting ripped apart at the seams.

“Want a beer?” Zayn asks.

“Sure,” Niall says. He’s never one to turn down free beer.

Zayn waves his hand lazily in the direction of the mini fridge and Niall rolls his eyes a bit. Zayn isn’t really much of a host and he is certainly not a coddler. But, again, that’s what Niall likes about him. He’s low maintenance. He doesn’t expect anything from Niall and Niall can’t expect anything from him.

He pulls himself up with a groan and goes to the fridge which is currently stuffed full with a few different beers and a random ass bottle of wine that he thinks was probably left behind by Perrie. Zayn’s not much of a wine drinker.

Niall grabs a Guinness, then thinks it over and grabs another, deciding he’ll down the first one far too quickly to want to have to get back up again so soon. He pries both bottles open with the bottle opener on the fridge before plopping back down beside Zayn. He sets one bottle aside and takes a long sip from the other. The cool beer eases the roughness the smoke had left behind in his throat.

He lets his head fall back against the chair, staring at the ceiling. Zayn had painted it black one night with every intention of painting stars onto it like the night sky, but he’d already been bored of the idea by the next day. It sort of just reminds Niall of a great black hole now, which is fitting, really. They’re two idiots out of time, cast adrift in a universe that forgot to make space for them.

He blinks. Maybe the first hit packed a bit more of a punch than he’d thought. He tips his face towards Zayn without lifting his head, reaching out with his hand.

“I need another hit,” he says and Zayn passes the joint back without question.

Niall sucks in deeply, chest tightening, trying to fight off the smoke rapidly invading it. He holds it until he feels like he’s about to burn up from the inside out, then lets it out, passing the joint back to Zayn and taking another long drag from his beer.

“Ever feel like… maybe we’re all just fooling ourselves and there’s not really a meaning to life?” he asks. “We just exist until we don’t.”

“Every fucking day, mate,” Zayn replies calmly.

 

Niall wakes to a pounding headache, but it’s nothing new. At least Louis isn’t jumping on him today. Small favors.

He pulls himself out of bed, squinting against the sunlight streaming in through his window. He stretches and sighs. His back never really likes the time he spends in Zayn’s bean bag chair. He doesn’t really care what his back thinks.

He showers, then examines his face in the mirror and decides he better shave. Management never really likes it when he gets scruffy. They want him looking fresh and clean. Niall doesn’t give a rat’s arse what they think but he also doesn’t particularly want to start fights he can see coming. When he averages about a fight a day, it’s best to avoid the ones he can predict.

He shaves but doesn’t feel like bothering with contacts until the show. He doesn’t really want to fight with them either.

He’s not all that hungry, so packs up his bag and messes about on his phone until it’s time to meet the boys downstairs to wait for the bus.

Harry is, unfortunately, the only one down there when he arrives. Niall swallows hard and debates going back up, but just as he’s about to turn around and flee, Harry spots him. He could swear all the color drains from Harry’s face. There used to be a time when Niall catching him off guard would earn him the brightest smile he’d ever seen, but those days are clearly long gone.

Still, Niall doesn’t want to cause a scene in the middle of a crowded hotel lobby, so he calmly walks over to where Harry’s seated and plops down in the chair across from him.

“Morning,” he mumbles, more to break the awkward silence than to be polite.

“Morning,” Harry says, still watching Niall carefully.

Niall holds his gaze for only a brief moment before fishing his phone out of his pocket and losing himself in his Twitter feed. He hears Harry sigh heavily but he doesn’t look up again.

*****

Harry really sort of fucking hates the tour bus. It’s nearly impossible to get even a smidge of privacy and even if he hides away in his bunk, he can still hear the other boys banging about in the entertainment section. He’d really like to walk out there and put a controller through the telly, but he’s got more self-control than that.

Niall laughs loudly and Harry winces. Harry can’t remember the last time he made Niall laugh like that. He can’t remember a lot of things. He’s quickly losing all the good memories they’d had together, the bitterness creeping like a dark cloud over their relationship. He could remember the way he and Niall had once waltzed together on stage before toppling to the floor in a giggly heap, but instead, he remembers the first time Niall had come in well and truly drunk and proceeded to vomit all over the hotel floor before collapsing on the bed and leaving Harry to deal with the mess.

Harry’s angry just thinking about it. He crosses his arms over his chest, rolling over in his bunk to stare at the wall. Niall could always hold his alcohol like any proper Irish lad, but the past few months, he never seemed to know when to stop and it was always Harry that had to deal with the aftermath. Still, Harry can’t help but feel like it’s all his fault somehow. He’s the one who started pushing for them to come out and despite how afraid Niall had been, despite the fact that Niall would nervously laugh it off and change the conversation every time it came up, Harry had pressed. He’d wanted Niall to show him how much he loved him, to really and truly commit, and instead, well… Niall had done quite the opposite.

Niall laughs again and Harry squeezes his eyes shut, curling tighter into himself. Maybe he’ll just sleep through the ride.

 

When they finally arrive at the stadium, they’re ushered into the locker room. Harry immediately moves to the far corner, tossing his bag into a cubby as the rest of the boys scatter about the room. He switches out his flowy button up for a plain white t-shirt, then stretches out on one of the benches and flicks through his phone until it’s time for meet and greets. He’s not really in the mood to meet fans, or even interact with anyone, but it is what it is.

It goes by in sort of a blur and he tries his best to make sure there’s always a fan or another boy between he and Niall. Every once in awhile, a particularly obvious shift will make Niall glance his way, but Harry never meets his gaze and Niall never says a word.

Soundcheck is worse. Harry’s voice cracks during Spaces and he awkwardly tries to cover it with a cough but none of the others buy it and he can feel Niall’s eyes boring holes in his back.

They scatter again back in the locker room. Niall disappears and Harry pretends not to notice, but his gaze flicks up when he enters again. He’s switched out his glasses for contacts. Harry kind of likes his glasses. There was a time when he would have expressed that, maybe even asked for Niall to wear them instead for a change, but he keeps his mouth shut and quickly turns his attention back to his phone when Niall glances his way.

*****

The first three songs are pretty straightforward: Clouds, Steal My Girl, Little Black Dress. There’s no particular meanings or memories attached to them so Niall does his best to push through them, paying as little attention to Harry as possible.

Where Do Broken Hearts Go is a different story. It’s Niall’s favorite off the album, or at least it used to be. He’s not so sure anymore. He takes a deep breath as he launches into the first verse and can’t help it when his gaze strays to Harry. He’s on the other side of the stage, hyping up the crowd with little waves and blown kisses. He’s always the best of the boys at that sort of thing. Harry thrives on stage. Niall sort of envies him for how easy he’s making it look right now.

Harry seems to sense that Niall is watching him because he suddenly looks his way and freezes. Niall nearly forgets the words. As he presses onwards, he almost wishes he had.

_Yeah, it took me some time but I figured out  
How to fix up a heart that I let down_

He watches Harry’s face fall, but still, Harry picks right up with his part.

 _Now I'm searching every lonely place_  
Every corner calling out your name  
Tryna find you but I just don't know  
Where do broken hearts go?

Harry finishes the chorus and Liam jumps in with his verse. Niall still can’t look away from Harry. He chest feels tight and he can’t quite seem to catch his breath. He’s pretty sure he’s supposed to be playing guitar right now, but he can’t seem to make his fingers work.

They sing the rest of their parts to each other, right there on stage. It’s the most obvious Niall has been in public in a long time. The thing is, he can’t tell if it’s a desperate plea for understanding between them, or a goodbye. He doesn’t really want to know.

 

After that, they make more of their usual effort to avoid each other, which is probably a good thing, considering Niall’s not really in the mood for a full breakdown on stage. He’s holding on pretty well, he thinks, until the start of Through the Dark.

Harry’s being a massive idiot, as always, chucking water at the crowd and dancing around like a bit of a lunatic. Niall’s only half watching out of the corner of his eye. But then… then Harry tries to grab his mic stand and goes down hard. Niall feels his heart jump into his throat and he takes a step in Harry’s direction, watching him lay sprawled out on the ground.

Niall takes another step forward, glancing to Liam and Louis who are just sort of eyeing Harry warily, but don’t seem particularly concerned, as Liam hasn’t even stopped singing. It’s not like they don’t all take their tumbles on stage now and then.

Still, Niall breathes a sigh of relief as he watches Harry stand up slowly, an embarrassed grin stretched across his lips. He flails around a bit more, takes a bow, and spends more time laughing at himself than singing. Fondness tugs at Niall’s heart. Part of the old Harry shines through briefly, the boy who could take whatever life throws at him and roll with the punches, who doesn’t care what the world thinks of him and was content to love Niall in secret because love is love and it never needed to be shouted from the rooftops to feel so real and alive between them.

Niall feels tears sting his eyes and looks away. He doesn’t look at Harry again for the rest of the show.

 

Back on the bus, Niall grabs a beer from the fridge and pretends not to notice Harry eyeing him warily. He also pretends that he doesn't have a problem. It's just one beer. He's never stooped quite low enough to get wasted on the tour bus, though that might have more to do with the high risk of nausea and vomiting on the bumpy ride than it does with possessing any sort of restraint. But the point is, he's never done it and Harry doesn't need to be judging him.  
  
He watches Harry shake his head and disappear into his bunk. Niall rolls his eyes and follows Liam and Louis into the entertainment area. The couch is big enough for them to each sprawl out on a section of it and still have room to spare.  
  
Louis and Liam have already selected a movie. One of the old Batmans. It's not the worst movie Niall's ever seen, but when Zayn was around, Niall and Harry would get out-voted on movies on a pretty regular basis, so he's seen it a hundred times.  
  
"Do we really have to watch this?" He mutters, taking a swig from his bottle.  
  
"Yes," Liam says without even turning his attention from the TV. As if he'll miss something important. It only angers Niall more.  
  
"Why do we always have to watch your shit?"  
  
Louis looks at him. "Why do you always have a beer in hand?"  
  
"Will you both shut up?" Liam hisses, still not turning around.  
  
"You shut up." Niall snaps.  
  
"SERIOUSLY?!" Louis bursts out. "What's crawled up your arse and died?"  
  
"Oi!" Liam shouts, finally turning his attention from the TV. "Knock it off you two!"  
  
"What the fuck is going on out there?" Harry asks, peeking out of his bunk.  
  
"None of your fucking business." Niall says before anyone else can speak. Harry glares at him.  
  
"I'm trying to sleep."  
  
"Then sleep."  
  
"Niall! Knock it off." Liam sits up now, glaring daggers at him.  
  
"What?! He said he wants to sleep, so he should go the fuck to sleep."  
  
"I would if you would all just shut your fucking mouths." Harry snarls.  
  
"Not helping, Harry," Liam says with a sigh. Niall resents that Liam is more patient with Harry than he is with Niall.  
  
"Oh for fuck's sake," Louis groans, scrubbing his hands over his face. "No wonder Zayn left this fucking band."  
  
Surprisingly, it's Liam that snaps at that first.  
  
"You started this, Louis. Don't go acting all holier than thou now."  
  
"ME?!" Louis shouts, rising from the couch. "If Niall and Harry weren't such miserable twats all the time, we wouldn't be in this mess."  
  
Harry turns his glare on Louis. "I've been in my bunk. How is any of this my fault?!" He's climbing out of said bunk now. Niall stands, ready to go on the defensive.  
  
Liam's beginning to look at bit wary as he stands. Niall feels like the room is closing in on him.  
  
"Guys... maybe we should all just take some time to cool off in our own bunks," Liam says, holding his hands up placatingly.  
  
Niall rolls his eyes. "Daddy Direction to the rescue," he mutters.  
  
Liam gets his standard kicked puppy look on his face.  
  
"I'm just trying to help," he says quietly.  
  
Louis snorts. "As if you weren't just biting my head off thirty seconds ago."  
  
"Christ," Liam groans, scrubbing his hands over his face. "I give up."  
  
It falls quiet then, everyone just sort of eyeing each other, daring someone to speak.  
  
It's Harry who finally does.  
  
"Can I go back to sleep now?" He mutters, arms crossed over his chest.  
  
"Yes, Your Majesty," Niall replies.  
  
"NIALL!" Liam barks. "Enough."  
  
Niall rolls his eyes but doesn't say anything further.  
  
Harry shoots him a final look before climbing back into his bunk, disappearing behind the curtain.  
  
There's another silence and then, "Fuck this," Louis sighs and heads to his own bunk.  
  
Niall can feel Liam's gaze on him. He glances over at him but can't quite read the look in his eyes.  
  
"You know... I really miss the old Niall, sometimes," he says before disappearing as well.  
  
It's only then that Niall realizes the stupid movie is still playing. He shuts it off, the silence crashing down around him. He hadn't meant for this to happen. The concert had just gotten him so on edge. He knows he's wrong, that he should probably apologize for being such a massive fucking prick, but he can't seem to make himself move. He's not sure the boys are really in the mood to listen to him anyway.  
  
He falls back onto the couch, sinking into the cushions and downing the rest of his beer.  


 

It starts like any other day.  
  
Except, Niall doesn't have a hangover at the moment. They had gotten back too late for him to bother going to Zayn's. Today's a free day, though, that he's not sure what to do with so hanging out with Zayn is a strong possibility, especially since he doesn’t know where he stands with the other boys at the moment. He doesn’t know where anyone stands. They'd all arrived at the hotel, wordlessly received keys from management, and stormed off to their own rooms. He thinks it's the beginning of the end of One Direction and he’s pretty sure they all know it. It's just... no one wants to be the first one to say it out loud.  
  
He pulls himself out of bed and decides to take advantage of the jacuzzi tub, sighing as he sinks into the warmth and enjoying the way the bubbles massage the tight muscles in his back. Sleeping on the tour bus never does him any favors and neither does stress. His body feels ancient. His bad knee twinges just thinking about it and he rubs it in soothing circles.  
  
When he finally decides to get out of the tub, he checks the time on his phone. Eleven. Zayn probably isn't even awake yet. Two is about the earliest Niall's ever been able to reach him and even that's pushing it.  
  
He figures he might as well go down and grab breakfast, though he doesn't really relish the thought of running into one of the other boys in the dining room.  
  
It takes him another few minutes to finally leave his room and it's only because his stomach growls audibly.  
  
Sure enough, Louis is seated by himself, flicking through his phone and absent-mindedly pushing the last remnants of his scrambled eggs around his plate with his fork.  
  
Niall debates grabbing a plate and making a run for it back to his room, but ultimately decides it'll make things more awkward if he's caught. He piles a plate with as much as it can hold, then makes his way to Louis's table.  
  
"Mind if I join you?" he asks a bit warily.  
  
Louis looks up slowly, expression blank. It takes him a moment before he finally just shrugs and goes back to playing on his phone.  
  
Niall sighs and sits down across from him, picking at his food in silence for a few minutes. When he realizes that he's suddenly seemed to lose his appetite, he finally speaks.  
  
"Listen... about last night, I was a moody prick and I'm sorry."  
  
Louis looks up at him again and again, Niall finds himself unable to read his expression.  
  
"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to," Louis says.  
  
Niall's brow furrows. "I was sober enough to remember who I was arguing with."  
  
Louis finally puts his phone down to scrub his hands over his face. "That's not what I mean," he says with a sigh.  
  
"What do you mean?" Niall thinks he probably knows the answer and is prepared not to like it.  
  
"Don't. You know what I mean. You and Harry. Liam and I are just..." Louis waves his hand around as if trying to figure out how best to phrase it. "Collateral damage," he finally settles on. "It's not about us. Not really."  
  
Niall frowns then. "As if you've been the poster child for mental stability in this band," he snaps. "Wasn't all that long ago you were making your own bad decisions."  
  
Louis frowns. "Is this how it's gonna be then? You're just gonna keep refusing to face your own shit and lash out at us instead? You know, eventually, we're gonna be too tired to care, Niall. I'm bearing my own burdens for my 'bad decisions'. I really don't need your shit too."  
  
"No one asked you to deal with my shit. I just came over to apologize. You started on this Harry shit," Niall feels himself going on the defensive, knows that if they're not careful, they're about to make a scene in the middle of the dining room.  
  
"Fuck this. I give up. I'm not in the mood for this right now. I have to meet Bri for a doctor's appointment. Not that you care."  
  
Louis pushes away from the table and stands, not even bothering to clear his plate, and disappears from the dining room.  
  
Niall glares down at his own plate. His stomach is twisted into knots and after ten minutes of just staring at his food instead of eating it, he finally gets up and dumps everything in the trash. He leaves Louis's plate on the table out of spite.  
  
*****  
  
It starts like any other day.  
  
Harry wakes up and kind of wishes he hadn't. He doesn't know the last time he woke up happy. His moods have ranged from depressed to resigned to numb over the past few weeks. Today, he’s depressed.  
  
He looks at the time on his phone and rings Gemma on FaceTime. He’s already crying by the time she picks up.

“Oh, Haz. What’s happened now?” She asks, voice soft.

“N-Niall…” Harry wipes at his eyes, trying to get himself under control.

“Isn’t it always?” Gemma rolls her eyes a bit.

“It’s just… at the concert last night… I saw the old Niall.”

Gemma sighs. “Haz… We’ve been through this. You can’t keep clinging to these little moments like this. It’s not good for you.”

“No, Gem. This was different,” Harry finds himself insisting. He sniffles, breathing in deeply. “He wasn’t really paying attention to me but then… Where Do Broken Hearts Go started a-and he looked at me and he sang to me and I sang to him. The whole song. We never took our eyes off each other.” He can still see Niall’s face, the lost look in his eyes, the pain he could swear was hiding just beneath the surface.

“Did you talk to him about it?” Harry can tell Gemma’s not convinced that it was anything special, that it’s just Harry trying to convince himself there’s something left worth fighting for, but Harry can feel it. He knows this time was different.

“No,” Harry mumbles. “I’m afraid to. He went back to ignoring me after. I fell on stage and I don’t even think he noticed.”

There’s a long pause. “That’s not entirely true,” Gemma says.

“What?” Harry’s brow furrows.

Gemma groans. “Oh for fuck’s sake. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Hold on.” She taps away at her phone and a moment later, Harry’s phone pings. “Watch that.”

Harry frowns but opens the link Gemma sent him. It’s a youtube video titled “NARRY - HARRY’S FALL SAN DIEGO”. Harry eyes Gemma skeptically before hitting play.

He watches himself dance a bit before crashing down on stage. It’s not exactly a moment he’s proud to be reliving but then… then the video moves to Niall, wide-eyed as he takes a step towards Harry. When Harry still lays there, Niall moves forward again. He doesn’t take his eyes off Harry until Harry stands up and even then, he keeps watching as if making sure Harry’s truly okay before he finally turns away.

Harry shuts off the video and switches back to FaceTime, fresh tears falling down his cheeks.

“I think you need to talk to him,” Gemma says. “No more of this back and forth nonsense. If you think he still loves you, you’ve gotta work on making things right. I can’t handle you calling me crying all the time. You’re breaking my heart, Harry. Please fix it or finish it. You deserve better than this.”

“I know,” Harry says quietly. “Thanks, Gem.”

“Of course. Love you, Haz. Take care of yourself, okay?”

“Love you too.”

Harry rings off and lays back down in bed. He watches the video a dozen times.

*****

Niall spends the remainder of the day in his room. He doesn’t want to risk running into anyone again. It’s become quite clear none of them can have a conversation without fighting, at least not when Niall is involved. It’s better for everyone if he just spends his time pretending he doesn’t exist.

When it finally starts to get dark, he decides it’s late enough to head to Zayn’s. He shoots him a quick text, letting him know he’s on the way, before calling an uber and heading out.

Zayn’s lounged out by the pool when he arrives and Niall flops down in the chair beside him.

“Sup?” Zayn says.

“Nothing. Just another one of those fuckin days.”

“Harry?”

“Nah... Yes... I don’t know,” Niall groans, scrubbing his hands through his hair. “Everything is Harry. It always goes back to Harry.”

“Hold on,” Zayn says. He gets up and disappears into the house and Niall sighs, sinking back in his chair and watching the wind flick through the palm trees while he waits.

Zayn returns a few minutes later with a joint in hand that he passes over to Niall, along with a lighter.

“Thanks,” Niall mumbles, taking it from him as Zayn drapes back over his own chair.

“No problem,” he says, waving his hand dismissively.

Niall lights the joint and takes a long pull from it. There’s nothing in the world like the burn of the first hit to remind him that he’s alive. He breathes out and watches the smoke float off in a small cloud with the wind. He takes a second hit before passing it to Zayn.

“I think the band’s over,” he says. It’s the first time he’s ever said it out loud and he’s not sure why he’s saying it to Zayn. In a way, Zayn’s the one that started it all. Maybe that’s why Niall feels the need to tell him of all people. Maybe it’s because they’re similar in that way. It was Zayn’s fault and he’s passed the torch along to Niall now.

It’s quiet for a bit and Niall doesn’t think he’s going to get an answer until Zayn’s calm, soft voice suddenly speaks.

“Nah,” he says, letting out a stream of smoke. “Nothing’s ever really over.”

Niall snorts. “You’re saying you’d come back, then?” He takes the joint as Zayn passes it to him.

“No,” Zayn says easily. “My time has come and gone but the band…” He waves his hand in the air. “There’s still life in it.” He reaches over and puts his hand on Niall’s chest, gazing into his eyes with a strange intensity that Niall is way too stoned for. “There’s still life.”

Niall blinks at him for a long moment, then scoffs. “Come off it. You were there. You know how fucked everything’s been.”

Zayn shakes his head. “You’re not listening,” he says adamantly. He shakes Niall a bit with the hand that still rests on his chest. “Find the life.”

Niall swallows hard. Zayn’s just staring at him with his wide brown eyes and Niall can’t handle the weight of it. He looks away, back out at the pool and the palm trees and the stars blinking in the clear black sky over the valley.

“It’s over,” he says quietly and even he’s not sure if he’s talking about the band or his relationship or just life as he knows it at this point.

*****

Harry spends most of his day in a weird youtube rabbit hole, watching videos of him and Niall together. He’d never quite realized just how often they used to find each other on stage. Even before their relationship, they’d sneak glances at each other, their bodies slowly migrating closer and closer without them even seeming to realize.

Then, they’d gotten together and everything became fair game. They sang Little Things to each other, danced together on stage every chance they got, and generally just got handsy with each other for no reason other than because they could. Harry’s not sure how they were never caught, but somehow people had latched onto Larry and run away with that instead. It was a blessing and a curse. Niall and Harry could run around doing as they pleased without the scrutiny, but Harry’s friendship with Louis had ultimately deteriorated.

Now, of course, his relationship is falling apart too.

He’s not sure how many videos he gets through. Dozens upon dozens of them. They start to get repetitive and blur together after a while, but Harry can’t stop watching. He just wants to remind himself of the way things used to be, when life was so much easier.

When he finally pulls himself out of the abyss he’s fallen into, he’s surprised to find that it’s already dark out.

He’s also ready to take Gemma’s advice.

He pulls himself out of bed and hurries down the hall to Niall’s room, knocking at the door.

“Niall?!” He calls out, then waits. There’s no answer. “Nialler? Open up. Please? I need to talk to you.” When there’s still no response, he sighs. Either Niall is being a dick, or he’s not in at the moment. For the sake of his sanity, he hopes for the latter.

He heads back to this own room and grabs his phone, calling Niall.

Just when he thinks Niall must be ignoring him, the ringing stops and someone answers.

“Heyyyy, Hazza. What’s up?”

Harry’s blood runs cold. “Zayn? Is that… is that you?” He feels a bit like he’s been doused in ice water or maybe dropped in the middle of the Twilight Zone. Any hope he’d had evaporates.

“Yeah, mate. Long time no talk.”

Harry checks his own phone to make sure he dialed the right number before returning his attention to the conversation. “What are you doing with Niall’s phone?”

“He’s inside. Saw your name. Decided to say hello.”

“H-He’s inside?” Harry swallows hard, feeling tears stinging his eyes.

“Yeah,” He can hear Zayn starting to get wary. “Should I get him?”

“Don’t bother,” Harry mutters. He rings off and hurls his phone across the room. It thuds against the wall and clatters to the floor.

Harry sinks down on the edge of his bed, buries his face in his hands, and cries.

*****

Niall’s got two fresh beers and a party size bag of crisps in hand when he finally heads back out to the pool.

He holds a beer out to Zayn, but is startled when Zayn frowns up at him.

“Have you told the others about me?” he asks.

Niall swallows hard. “No,” he replies honestly. Neither of them has ever felt the need to discuss it and he’s not sure where Zayn’s sudden curiosity is coming from. He’d assumed Zayn would know how stupid of an idea it would be to tell the boys, but from the scowl on Zayn’s face at the moment, he’d clearly assumed wrong.

“Why not?”

Niall shrugs, sinking down on the edge of his chair. “There’s never really been a good time to tell them.”

“Where do they think you go all the time?” Zayn presses.

Niall shifts nervously, still awkwardly clutching the beers and crisps. “They don’t ask and I don’t tell.” His brow furrows. “Why does it matter all of a sudden?”

“Harry called,” Zayn spits out. “Seemed surprised to hear my voice.”

“H-Harry?” Niall’s eyes widen and he tries to swallow past the sudden lump forming in his throat. “What did he want?”

“No clue. He hung up on me.”

Niall breathes shakily. Harry called. He hasn’t called him or really reached out to him in any capacity in a long time. Most of their interactions these days are forced by various band necessities. And now he’s called and Zayn answered and he can’t even imagine what Harry must think.

Niall stands again, shoving everything he’s holding down on the chair. He hears one of the beers fall over, the liquid fizzing out through the cracks in the plastic and splashing on the concrete. He can’t bring himself to care.

“I have to go,” he says, suddenly feeling like he needs to get to Harry immediately, to explain himself. He’s not entirely sure what there is to explain or why, but he knows he needs to get to Harry now.

“Whatever,” he hears Zayn mumble as he hurries away.

He whips out his phone and calls for an uber that feels like it takes an eternity to arrive. He’s so jittery the entire ride to the hotel that the driver keeps shooting him concerned glances in the rearview mirror, but Niall can’t bring himself to care.

He composes himself enough to make it through the lobby and into a lift, leaning against the wall as the doors shut him in. He’s lucid enough to know he shouldn’t seek Harry out in the state he’s in, so he makes a pit stop at his room, nearly jumping out of his skin when he opens the door.

He blinks, trying to adjust his eyes to the dark, sure he must be hallucinating, but when he finally manages to fumble for the light switch and flick it on, Harry’s there, foot perched over his knee, arms crossed over his chest, scowling at Niall from across the room.

“Harry…” he breathes out, shutting the door slowly behind himself.

“Where have you been?” Harry says, getting straight to the point.

Niall swallows hard. He knows he can’t lie his way out of this one. Zayn clearly said he spoke with Harry.

“Zayn’s,” he admits quietly, eyes falling to the floor.

“How long has this been going on?”

Niall shrugs. “Couple months now, I think. Not really sure.”

There’s silence in the room. Niall can practically feel the anger flooding off of Harry in waves. Niall doesn’t really know what to say, can’t seem to find his voice. He’s not even sure what Harry needs to hear right now. It takes far too long for Harry to break the silence.

“I can’t do this,” Harry says and his voice sounds choked.

“Do… what?” Niall finally forces himself to look up at him, hoping beyond hope that Harry isn’t saying what he thinks he’s saying.

“This. Us.” He watches as Harry wipes at his eyes, tears seeming to well up despite his best efforts.

“Harry,” Niall feels on the verge of tears too. Deep down, he’d known this day was coming, known this is exactly what he deserves, but it still catches him off guard.

“No,” Harry barks with a force that startles Niall into taking a step back. Harry stands from his chair and Niall shrinks into himself as Harry seems to tower over him. “I called you to try and make amends. I thought maybe… maybe I was finally ready to forgive you.” He shakes his head. “I’m such an idiot. All this time, you’ve been going behind my back. Spilling our secrets to _him_.” Harry spits the final word out like poison, a dark edge to his voice that Niall finds frightening. “Even I didn’t think you could stoop so low.”

“Harry,” Niall’s voice catches on a sob. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll never talk to him again. I swear.”

“NO!” Harry yells and Niall jumps. “I’m done, Niall. You’ve done more than enough damage for one relationship.” He breathes deeply, then opens his mouth as if to say more before shutting it and shaking his head. He pushes past Niall to head out of the room, opening the door and standing there for a long moment, head hanging.

He turns back to Niall one last time. “I love you, Niall. I think I always will.” With that, he’s out the door, slamming it shut behind him before Niall can even think to respond.

Niall stands in the middle of the room, sobbing. It takes him all of thirty seconds to unfreeze and chase after Harry. He can’t let it end. Not like this.

He exits his room and looks down the hall. Harry’s just stepping into the lift and Niall has to resist the urge to scream after him. He can’t cause a scene. He watches helplessly as the doors ding shut, closing Harry inside.

He runs down the hall, slamming his finger repeatedly on the button until another lift appears. Thankfully, he’s able to take it down to the bottom without stopping.

His eyes dart around the lobby, but it’s no surprise Harry’s not there. He tears out the front doors, ignoring the stares as his trainers squeak across the pristine lobby. He stops long enough to look up and down the road and finally spies Harry’s rapidly retreating figure passing beneath a streetlight up ahead. He’s running now and Niall takes off after him.

Niall’s lungs start to burn and he curses the joint he’d smoked. He has to take a moment to slow and catch his breath, feeling on the verge of passing out. He’s almost ready to give up and head back but not yet… not just yet.

Harry’s turned down a side street and Niall follows after him. He sees Harry bent over and thinks maybe he’s finally gotten tired of running too until he spies the dog a few feet away. He jogs closer, hears Harry talking to the dog.

Everything that follows is a blur.

The dog takes off like a bat out of hell, straight into the middle of the road. Harry… stupid, sweet, tender-hearted Harry, chases after him, scooping him into his arms with a laugh Niall doesn’t hear over the sound of his own scream.

Harry never sees the car.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I'm late! My life got really hectic. I think next week I'll be posting on Thursday.

Niall sends one text to a long quiet group chat.

_Harry’s in hospital._

He shoves his phone back in his pocket and shuffles through the doors to the waiting room. It’s a blur of lights and sounds, a cacophony of voices in various states of distress. He blinks against the sudden sensory overload and forces his feet forward to the nurses station.

The nurse at the desk looks up at him over her glasses.

“Yes?” she says.

“‘M here for Harry Styles.”

“Name?”

Niall frowns slightly. There’s no sign that she’s recognized him. “Niall Horan.”

“Relation?”

“I’m his boyfriend,” Niall’s voice catches on the word. It’s the first time he’s ever said it aloud to a stranger and he doesn’t even know if it’s true anymore.

“I’m sorry,” the nurse replies, at least having the decency to look sympathetic. “Family only.”

Niall feels his stomach start to twist itself into knots. He’s sort of clinging to his composure at this point. Now that he’s slowed down, now that it’s all starting to sink in, he’s got a tenuous grasp on it at best.

“I was with him!” Niall says. “I saw the fucking car. I followed the fucking ambulance.”

“Hospital policy. We can’t discuss patient status with anyone outside immediate family.”

“He doesn’t have any family here!” Niall can feel his voice rising.“They’re half a world away.” It dawns on him, then, that someone will need to tell them. His heart lurches painfully. It can’t be him. Not when it’s his fault Harry’s here to begin with. He grabs onto the edge of the desk for support. “Please.” He hates himself for the hint of desperation in his voice.

“I’m sorry,” she says again.

Niall blinks down at her. She’s already returned her attention to her computer. It’s just a job to her. This is just another Friday night. He’s waiting to find out if his boyfriend’s going to live and she’s waiting for her shift to end.

Niall can feel the anger bubbling up.

“No!” he bangs his fist on the desk, a dark part inside of him pleased when she jumps, her eyes widening. “Do you know who I am? I’m Niall Horan. He’s Harry Styles. His mother is Anne Twist and she’s all the way in fucking England. You can google any fucking one of us to confirm it.”

“Sir…” she starts.

“Don’t you fucking ‘sir’ me!” Niall nearly shouts. He can feel the weight of a few more gazes fall on him but he’s past the point of caring. “Tell me where he is!”

“I think that’s quite enough…” he hears from behind him before a firm hand falls on his shoulder.

He turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Louis. Liam’s hovering just behind him. Seeing their concerned looks brings the guilt rushing to the surface with enough force to knock the breath out of him. His vision goes hazy and he breaks into sobs.

Instantly, Louis’s arms lock around him, pulling him close.

“I’ve got you,” he murmurs in a voice far gentler than Niall’s ever heard him use. “We should get some fresh air, yeah?”

Niall can only nod against him and he allows Louis to steer him through the waiting room and back out the hospital entrance. The doors shut and silence falls. It’s after midnight. There’s no one else around.

Niall takes in big, gulping breaths of warm air, staying tucked against Louis’s side. Liam stands protectively on Niall’s other side and both boys stay quiet, just allowing Niall a bit to compose himself in peace.

“He was hit by a car,” he finally says, voice thick.

“Christ,” Liam breathes out and Louis tightens his grasp on Niall.

 

 

They’re seated in hard grey chairs, tucked away in a back corner of the waiting room.  Niall can tell Louis and Liam are both on the verge of falling asleep, slumped down in their chairs. Niall’s mind is racing far too quickly to think about sleep. His body is tired, aching in places he didn’t even know he had, but he feels like he may never sleep again.

_He’d been frozen, scarcely able to believe it had actually happened. Harry was lying in the middle of the road. For a moment, Niall convinced himself Harry would stand, brush himself off, and have a laugh, just like San Diego. But he just lay there, unmoving, body twisted in a way that didn’t seem humanly possible._

_When Niall moved closer, he could see the blood starting to pool around Harry’s head. His chest rose and fell but something was wrong. It wasn’t happening often enough. Niall fell to his knees beside him and begged him to wake up._

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Louis’s sharp voice breaks through the memory and Niall looks up to find Zayn standing there. The ripe smell of weed clings to his clothing and Niall finds it oddly comforting.

“What do you mean?” Zayn asks, frowning slightly.

“I meeeeeeean exactly what I just said. What the fuck are you doing here?”

Niall pushes himself up slightly. “He’s part of this band too,” he says quietly.

Louis snorts and opens his mouth, probably to make a snide remark, but Liam cuts in.

“Guys, please. Not here. Not now.” He runs his hand through his hair, mussing it up more than it already was. “Sit, Zayn,” he says, motioning to the chair beside him.

Zayn shoots one final, wary look at Louis before sitting down. Maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea to invite him, but Niall thinks he has a right to know. He may not be on the best terms with them at the moment, but they used to be brothers. It’s not like the remaining friendships in the band are faring any better now anyway. Zayn was the first to leave. It doesn’t mean he’s the last to want to.

"What happened?" Niall hears Zayn ask.  
  
"He was hit by a car," Liam replies.  
  
There's a long pause, then Zayn finally whispers "Fuck," his voice sounding strained.  
  
Niall glances up at him, watches Zayn scrub his hands over his face. For as angry as Harry had been that Niall is still talking to Zayn, it's jarring to see Zayn here now, looking a bit lost and far worse for the wear than Niall's ever seen him in public.  
  
It makes the whole fight seem so pointless now. Harry hated the idea of Zayn knowing all their dirty details, but at the end of the day, here Zayn is, just as worried and heartbroken as the rest of them.  
  
It was such a stupid, ridiculous, insignificant fight and now... now Harry's fighting for his life instead.  
  
_There were sirens. So many sirens. He hadn't been able to move. Someone had lifted him up and pulled him out of the way as he stumbled to regain his footing. He never took his eyes off Harry._  
  
_"Let me go with him," he'd begged. "Please let me go with him."_  
  
_"Family only." They'd said. They'd told him the name of the hospital and shut the ambulance doors in his face._  
  
_Niall had stood in the middle of the road and sobbed until a kind police officer took pity on him and offered him a ride._

  
  
"Fuck," Louis says. "I need coffee." He rubs at his eyes, then blinks hard, trying to wake himself up before he stands. "Anyone else want anything?"  
  
"I could use a cup," Zayn says quietly, timidly.  
  
Louis stares down at him for a long moment before giving a simple nod and heading off.  
  
Niall sighs. He's not sure how they can stomach anything at the moment. He's fluctuating between wanting to throw up and his stomach feeling like it's full of lead.  
  
It's been hours and no one's said a word to them. He tries to make himself believe it's because they're doing everything they can to save Harry.  
  
He tries not to think about the fact that they might not be talking to him because he's not allowed to know anything. For all he knows, Harry's already... but no. No. He swallows hard, pushing the thought back. The guilt is already tearing up his insides. He has big plans to fill Harry's room with flowers as he recovers and never ever leave his bedside.  
  
Louis returns with coffees in hand, wordlessly passing one to Zayn before sinking down in his chair again.  
  
"This coffee tastes like shit," Louis mumbles after a moment. Zayn hums in agreement. They drink it anyway.

  
  
  
Niall finally decides he can't take it anymore and he stands, heading back to the nurses station.  
  
"Niall!" Liam calls after him, grabbing his arm. "What are you doing?"  
  
"I need answers, Li," Niall mumbles.  
  
"They've already told you they can't give them." Liam's big brown eyes are wide with sympathy, his voice gentle.  
  
"They can give them to Anne," Niall says. "It's half ten in England. She's awake now." He swallows hard, looking down at the floor. "Someone needs to tell her he's here."  
  
Liam sighs and nods, letting go of Niall's arm. "Alright. I'll come with you," he says. Niall sort of wants to tell him he doesn't need a handler, but if he's being completely honest, he probably does.  
  
They head up to the station and, thankfully, someone new is seated in the chair.  
  
He doesn't even wait for her to address him.  
  
"I'm Niall Horan. My boyfriend is Harry Styles. If I get his mother on FaceTime, can we please get some information?"  
  
The nurse blinks at him and this one, he can tell, is well aware of who they are. She's also twenty years younger than the last nurse.  
  
She nods. "We'll just need to verify some things from her to confirm her identity once she's on the line."  
  
Niall sighs. "Thank you." He glances at Liam. "I'll make the call outside so all of this..." he waves his hand at their surroundings, "isn't the first thing she sees."  
  
"Good idea," Liam says with a nod. "Do you want me to come with you?"  
  
Niall shakes his head. "I need to do this alone."  
  
"Okay," Liam squeezes his shoulder briefly and goes to rejoin the others.  
  
Niall sucks in a breath and heads outside. He stands there for a second, breathing in deeply to try and compose himself. He can't breakdown before he tells her. He has to get through this.  
  
His hand shakes as he presses the FaceTime button for Anne. It feels like ages before her face appears on screen.  
  
"Niall..." She says, a tad wary. He can tell she already knows something's wrong. "Isn't it the middle of the night there?"  
  
"Yeah," Niall says, breathing in deeply. "Are you sitting down?"  
  
He watches as Anne swallows hard. "Niall, what's happened? Where's Harry?!"  
  
Niall feels himself tearing up and he sniffles, trying to fight it back.  
  
"He's in hospital. They won't tell me anything. H-He was hit by a car and..." he swallows hard. "It didn't look good."  
  
He can tell Anne is crying now. "Oh my God," she breathes out.  
  
The sight makes Niall start crying. "Anne, I'm so sorry. It's my fault. Harry and I fought and..."  
  
"No," Anne shakes her head, holding up her hand. "Not now. Save it for when Harry's better. Take me inside."  
  
Niall clamps his mouth shut and nods, fighting back the apologies that still threaten to burst forth. He heads back into the building and up to the nurses station, thankful that the same young nurse is still there.  
  
"I have Anne on," he says quietly.  
  
The woman nods and Niall passes over his phone. He doesn't really pay attention to their conversation, doesn't really care about the logistics of it all. He just needs to see Harry, needs some kind of confirmation that he's still alive.  
  
The nurse disappears with his phone and reappears a few minutes later, handing it back with an unsettling weight to her gaze.  
  
"The doctor will be with you as soon as he has information," she says.  
  
Niall nods and finds a corner to tuck himself into to talk to Anne.

"Did they say anything?" He asks.  
  
Anne hangs her head. "He's still in surgery. They're doing everything they can."  
  
Niall sighs. "Okay. I'll call you back when the doctor comes out, yeah?"  
  
"Alright," she says quietly and rings off.  
  
Niall tucks his phone back in his pocket and goes back to the boys. They're all half asleep but sit up slowly as he approaches, gazing at him expectantly as he takes his seat.  
  
"He's in surgery," he hears himself speak, voice a bit hollow. "They'll let us know when they have more information."  
  
He drops his face into his hands and sighs, feeling Louis rub his back in soothing circles.

 

 

Niall feels someone watching him and looks up. The nurse at the station is speaking with a doctor, motioning in their direction. Niall feels his stomach give a nauseating swoop and nudges Louis as the doctor heads their way.

“Lou,” he says.

“Mm?” Louis’s eyes are barely open, but he perks up instantly when Niall motions towards the doctor. Liam and Zayn shift in their seats, sitting forward as the doctor stops in front of them.

“You’re here for Harry Styles?” he asks.

The boys nod.

“Let’s go somewhere a bit quieter,” he says, motioning towards the hallway he’d come from.

The group exchange glances before rising and following the doctor out of the waiting room and into an empty patient room. The boys file in and the doctor shuts the door behind them.

Niall rings Anne.

“We’re with the doctor,” he says when she appears on the screen. Anne nods, but says nothing. Niall can tell her eyes are red from crying, her makeup smudged.

When the doctor turns to them, expression serious, Niall suddenly knows what’s coming. Somehow, deep inside him, he can feel it. The room starts to spin. He can just make out some of the words: _cracked ribs, punctured lung, massive head trauma_. It feels like he’s underwater, the sounds muffled, and he starts to wonder, if he screams, will anyone be able to hear it?

“ _I’m sorry,_ ” he hears through the fog. “ _We did everything we could._ ”

Anne wails through the speaker on his phone. His knees hit the floor as the sobs overtake him. Zayn, Louis, and Liam are beside him in an instant, wrapping their arms around him. In a huddle on the floor, they cry.

It had started like any other day.


	3. Chapter 3

“WAKEY WAKEY NIALL! RISE AND FUCKING SHINE!”

Louis pounces on the bed and Niall groans.

He’d cried himself to sleep and now his head feels like it’s filled with cement. He must take too long to respond, because Louis stands, the bed bouncing up and down beneath him, squeaking as he jumps on it.

Niall feels anger coiling within him. Harry’s dead and Louis is far more awake and perky than he has any right to be.

Before he can stop himself, he kicks out his leg and sends Louis toppling to the floor with a loud bang.

“Ow! Fuck!” Louis shouts. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Niall sits up then, glaring down at him. “ME?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! How can you possibly be so happy?”

“Because not all of us are insufferable fucking twats all the time!” Louis crosses his arms over his chest, glowering at Niall.

“My boyfriend’s dead!” Niall shouts. “Excuse the fuck out of me for being such a burden on you.”

There’s a long pause. “I don’t know what you got up to last night, but you need to lay off the hard shit,” Louis says seriously.

“What I got up to… What I got up to last night?!” Niall explodes, body shaking with his anger. “I lost my whole fucking world last night!”

“Then maybe you should do something about it.” Louis frowns at him.

Niall stares at him, wide-eyed. “What are you on about?”

“If he’s so bloody important to you… go fix it.”

Niall feels something inside him flip over, the anger seeping out of him as he blinks down at Louis. “What? Fix what?”

Louis rolls his eyes and finally pulls himself up from the floor, rubbing at his leg a bit. “You and Harry. Christ, was your pot laced with acid last night?” He starts to head for the door. “We’re supposed to be downstairs in an hour. We have Ellen today… in case the drugs wiped that from your memory too.”

“E-Ellen?” Niall stutters.

“Oh for fuck’s sake…” Louis breathes deeply and shakes his head. “I give up. Downstairs. One hour.” He leaves, shutting the door behind himself.

Niall stays on the bed, staring at the door, wondering what the fuck just happened. He tries to replay the conversation, but none of it’s making any sense. Ellen? Ellen was three days ago. Today, they’re supposed to be headed to Santa Clara for a show, though he would hope it’s been cancelled given recent events.

Niall swallows hard, feeling the tears sting his eyes. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, why Louis’s suddenly being so cruel. Maybe he blames Niall for Harry’s death. Niall blames himself so… he’d understand. It would hurt, but he’d understand.

Still… Ellen. Did management really schedule an interview to discuss Harry’s passing so soon? Even they can’t be that insensitive. A glance at his phone tells Niall it’s been less than twelve hours. It also tells Niall that it’s Wednesday, July 8th and… what?

Niall’s out of bed in an instant, pulling on the clothes closest to him before running out the door and down the hall. He beats on Harry’s door, heart slamming against his chest. He prepares himself for the worst. It can’t be. There’s no way. A stranger is going to open the door and tell him to fuck off.

But then…

The door flies open with such force, Niall loses his balance slightly, having to catch himself with a hand on the frame. When he regains his footing, his eyes find Harry’s. There, living, breathing, beautiful in front of him is Harry. He’s frowning at Niall but Niall doesn’t even care. He flings his arms around him, sobbing into his neck.

“I thought I’d lost you!” Niall gasps out.

Harry’s arms don’t wrap around him. Instead, he peels Niall off of him and takes a step back, blinking at him in disbelief.

“What?” he asks.

“I thought… I thought I’d lost you. I had a dream and you died but you’re here…” Niall wipes at his eyes, trying to compose himself. He can’t believe how real the dream was. He’d woken up feeling the full weight of the loss, the unbearable emptiness. But it was just a dream. It has to be. Because Harry’s right here, fully tangible and perfect in front of him.

Harry shakes his head. “Are you still drunk?”

Niall blinks for a second, confused, before remembering that if this is the 8th, he had, in fact, been wasted the night before. And he and Harry had had a huge row about coming out on Ellen. Or was the row part of the dream too? Everything was so vivid, he’s  having a hard time remembering where reality ended and the dream began.

“Did we fight last night?” he asks.

Harry rolls his eyes. “You know, I’m getting real tired of running round in all these circles with you. If you can’t remember, it obviously doesn’t matter enough to you, so forget it.”

Niall swallows hard. “I-I’m sorry. I don’t… I don’t know what I did.”

Harry shakes his head again. “Just get out. Please. I can’t do this right now.”

Niall’s not really sure what he’d been expecting, but this hurts more than he cares to admit. He’s still reeling from the dream and it sort of feels like he’s losing Harry all over again. He doesn’t have the energy to fight, nor can he bear the cold look in Harry’s eyes. He turns from the room and leaves, heading back to his own room to get ready.

 

 

An hour later, he heads downstairs to meet the others. They’re draped over various chairs in the lobby and Niall pauses, taking in the scene. It feels like deja vu. The conversation stops as he draws near and he pretends not to notice the way Harry scowls at him. It’s Liam who speaks up.

“Right on time,” he says with a grin that’s far too wide. “Ready to go?”

Niall stares at Liam. Something’s nagging at him, but he can’t quite figure out what it is or why he suddenly feels like he’s lived this moment before.

“Earth to Niall!” Louis snaps his fingers in front of his face and Niall jumps slightly. He swats Louis’s hand away.

“Fuck off,” he mutters.

Louis flicks him off.

Liam finally manages to herd them out to the cars and it surprises Niall when Louis follows Harry, leaving him to climb in after Liam. It doesn’t feel right. There’s something inside him telling him it should be Louis in the car with him. Then again, it’s not like Louis is his biggest fan at the moment, not after their spat this morning so… maybe not Louis. He just can’t seem to shake the feeling that something’s wrong.

He hears Liam sigh and looks over at him.

“You really need to stop yanking Harry around like this,” he says.

Niall blinks slowly, taking a second to compose himself. “Like what?” he asks.

“This hot and cold thing you do with him. Last night, you’re screaming at him and this morning, you’re sobbing in his arms? That’s fucked up, Niall. Even for you.”

“So… we did fight last night?” Niall asks carefully.

Liam frowns at him. “Harry told me you didn’t remember. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. Seems I was wrong.”

Niall groans in frustration, burying his face in his hands. “Fuck me,” he mumbles. He scrubs his hands over his face before dropping them back to his lap. “I had a dream last night. It was so real… I can’t really tell what’s part of the dream and what’s a memory right now.”

Instead of the sympathy he was expecting, he’s startled to see Liam’s expression cloud.

“Maybe you should ease off on the drugs and alcohol then.”

“It wasn’t drugs and alcohol!” Niall snaps. “Christ… I don’t know what it was.” He rubs his temples, trying to sort through his thoughts and make some sense of the hodge podge of memories. “All I know is, Harry died and it felt so fucking real.” He feels himself tearing up and he breathes in deeply, trying to maintain a bit of composure. “It felt like I lost him. And then I woke up and he was alive and I was so… so happy to see him. Fuck…” he buries his face in his hands again, clenching his eyes shut to try and push back the tears.

He hears Liam sigh. “Mate, you need help,” he says.

Niall doesn’t have a good response for that, so he stays quiet. In his mind, he can hear the screech of tires and the crunch of metal. The iron tang of blood fills his nostrils. His heart clenches painfully. What the fuck is wrong with him?

Maybe he does need help.

 

 

They arrive at the studio and are ushered inside by a member of Ellen's team. Niall glances at Harry. His expression is carefully blank, though Niall knows him well enough to see the tightness in his jaw, the slight furrow to his brow. So, still mad at Niall then.  
  
They’re separated off into dressing rooms and Niall doesn’t see Harry again until they’re walking on stage to Steal My Girl blasting over the speakers. Any tension Harry had had left from their fight is gone and he's bright-eyed, grinning broadly as they take their seats: Liam, Harry, Louis, Niall.  
  
Something tugs at the back of Niall's mind, the feeling of familiarity gnawing away at him again. He glances down at himself, then over at the other boys. He's seen these outfits before. A different talk show maybe? But no. They didn't repeat entire band looks. He almost misses it when Ellen starts speaking.  
  
"So," she says. "You boys kick off the US leg of your On the Road Again tour tonight in San Diego." There's a pause as the audience screams. Niall blinks slowly, trying to focus, but there's an awful feeling building in the pit of his stomach.  
  
"We do, yes," Liam answers for them. "We're very excited about it. We love being in America. Very enthusiastic crowds, as I'm sure you can tell." The audience cheers.  
  
This has happened before. Niall's sure of it. He glances around but no one else is behaving as if anything is out of the ordinary. He has a sinking feeling he knows why but he's not ready to face it.  
  
“Enthusiastic indeed,” Ellen says. “So this is your fourth world tour in as many years. Seems like a pretty hectic schedule. How do you keep yourselves sane? How do you relax?”  
  
The stage lights suddenly feel too hot and he makes the mistake of looking up. He sees bright headlights, hears the screech of car tires.  
  
The world goes dark.  


 

  
"Niall! Niall, wake up!"  
  
The voice breaks through the fog and Niall groans, opening his eyes slowly. Harry's face is hovering over him, worry creasing his brow.  
  
It hits Niall like a ton of bricks and he stares up at him, wide-eyed, tears filling his eyes. Harry was dead. He's sure of it. A dream doesn't feel like that. He knew every sound, every smell. Every minute detail was ingrained in his mind.  
  
Harry appears startled and his hand comes to rest on Niall's chest.  
  
"Hey... You're ok. You're fine. Can you sit up?" he says gently.  
  
Niall breathes shakily and starts to pull himself up. Harry rests a hand on his back to steady him. Niall looks around, seeing Liam and Louis hovering off to the side with Ellen, looking worried. He takes in his surroundings, realizes he's on the floor in the middle of the stage. So everyone saw that then.  
  
"Do you want to get outside?" Harry asks, drawing Niall's attention back to him. "Get some air?"  
  
Niall nods, but the motion makes him feel dizzy and he drops his head into his hand, fighting back the sudden nausea.  
  
"You ok?" Harry's voice is quiet.  
  
"Bit light-headed," Niall says.  
  
"Hold on." Harry stands and hurries over to where Ellen is waiting. He chats with her for a moment and she motions to an aide who receives an order and scurries off.  
  
Harry returns to Niall's side and stretches out on the floor.  
  
"They're fetching some juice. Need to get your blood sugar back up," he says.  
  
Niall stays quiet. He's not really sure he can find any words at the moment. He's just relived the heartbreak of losing Harry, only to wake up yet again and find him alive and well. Somehow, some way, he's gotten a second chance with him.  
  
The aide finally trots back out and hands Niall a bottle of orange juice. He's not a huge fan of orange juice, but he's not really in a place to be picky right now. He cracks it open and takes a long swig before sighing softly.  
  
"Wanna head outside?" Harry asks.  
  
"Yeah," Niall says quietly.  
  
Harry stands first and offers his hand to help Niall up. Niall takes it, trying not to think about how warm and familiar Harry's hand is in his own. When Harry holds on just a second too long, Niall knows he must feel it too.  
  
They weave their way down the halls and finally out to a private area behind the studio. Niall shuts his eyes and tilts his head into the warm breeze, breathing in deeply.  
  
He hears Harry shuffling awkwardly beside him and he finally opens his eyes again and looks over at him.  
  
Their eyes meet. Harry stops fidgeting and clears his throat.  
  
"You feeling better?" he asks.  
  
"Yeah," Niall says.  
  
"You should drink up." Harry motions to the juice bottle still clutched in Niall's hand. "It'll help with residual dizziness."  
  
Niall opens the juice and drinks some more, looking out over the empty lot.  
  
"Harry..."  
  
"Not now," Harry says with a sigh and Niall looks over at him, watching him run his fingers through his hair.  
  
"It's always 'not now' with us though, isn't it?" Niall says and Harry's gaze snaps to him, expression void of any emotion. "I wasn't drunk this morning."  
  
Harry sighs, looking away again. Niall doesn't think he's going to get a response and then,  
  
"I know."  
  
"You do?"  
  
Harry snorts. "I've dealt with you often enough to know the difference."  
  
"Then why did you...?"  
  
"Since when have our fights been logical?" Harry says, and there's a bitter edge to his smile.  
  
Niall breathes out a sad laugh. He takes another swig from his juice.  
  
The pair fall quiet and Niall sighs softly. His head still feels a bit fuzzy. There's far too many things he wants to say, but he's not sure where to begin.  
  
"Harry..." he starts again.  
  
"It's really not the place for this sort of thing, yeah?" Harry says, his voice is gentle but there's a finality to his tone.  
  
"Yeah," Niall agrees quietly.

 

 

Niall finishes his juice and they head back inside. After assuring everyone he’s fine, the boys are run through hair and makeup again and the taping restarts. This time, there’s no awkward rearranging of seats. Niall ends up beside Harry and takes comfort in it. Maybe they’re finally on their way to fixing things between them.

When they finally make it to ‘True or False’ and Ellen hands out the paddles, Niall’s stomach flips. He glances at Harry, but Harry gives no indication that he’s planning anything.

Ellen explains the game. “I’ll make a statement and you just need to hold up your response. For instance, One Direction is the best band ever.”

Niall’s too nervous to joke around, can’t bring himself to hold up the ‘False’ side of the paddle for a laugh. He holds up the green ‘True’ and checks that the others have done the same.

“Perfect!” Ellen says, holding up her own ‘True’ paddle. “Next statement: I’ve been known to sing in the shower.”

Every boy holds up ‘True’ along with Ellen and laughter filters through them and the audience.

“Any particular favorite tunes?” she prompts.

Niall swallows hard. He'd answered it last time. He doesn't want to answer it, doesn't want things to be the same. If it's the same, he's going to lose Harry again and he can't stomach that thought. Thankfully, Louis speaks up.

"I've been known to belt out a bit of Grease now and then," he says with a grin.

Niall can’t help but laugh, hearing Harry chuckle quietly beside him. They’ve all been subjected to Louis’s Danny Zuko impersonations more than they’d care to admit.

Ellen laughs. “Alright. Next: I am single.”

Niall feels his chest tighten. This is it. This is the moment. He takes a deep breath and holds up the ‘False’ paddle, shooting a glance at Harry’s, bright and green and ‘True’. He blinks slowly. What’s happening? Some things are identical. Why is this one detail of all details one of the things that’s changed?

“Now, Liam, I know you’re with Sophia, correct?” Ellen prompts.

Liam’s on the other side of Harry. He hasn’t noticed anything off this time and he laughs. “Yeah. Just over two years now. Still going strong,” he says, grinning broadly as the audience cheers.

“Congratulations!” Ellen says, but her attention is easily diverted. “Niall… man of mystery over there. Something you’d like to share with the class?”

The boys’ gazes snap to him, a range of wide-eyed disbelief that might be funny in different circumstances.

“Well…” he shifts awkwardly. “I’m not single,” he says, parroting Harry’s words from the first time this happened.

Ellen giggles. “Yes, I think we gathered that. Aren’t you gonna tell us who the lucky girl is?”

He glances to Harry. He could parrot him again and be done with it. Brush it off and move them along. But now that he’s arrived at this moment, he can’t. He has to do this. For the beautiful boy beside him.

His gaze finds Ellen again and he laughs awkwardly. “Erm… that would be lucky ‘boy’ actually,” he says.

He can feel Harry’s eyes boring holes in the side of his head, but he can’t bring himself to look at him. Not yet.

Murmurs filter through the audience until they’re silenced and Ellen presses on.

“Alright then,” she says, her grin broad and genuine. “Who’s the lucky boy?”

Niall breathes out a laugh, deciding now’s the best time to reuse Harry’s words. “Now, Ellen, you know a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

Ellen laughs. “Fair enough… and congratulations,” she says, her smile softening.

“Thanks,” Niall says quietly. He finally dares to look at Harry, but Harry’s no longer looking at him, expression trained on Ellen and carefully blank as he waits for the next question.

He feels Louis nudge him and looks over at him.

“Finally,” Louis whispers, a small smile on his lips. Niall laughs softly.

 

 

Niall doesn't get a chance to talk to Harry again for the remainder of the taping. They stand side-by-side for Night Changes and Niall glances at him but Harry never looks over. It's making him nervous. He'd only done what he'd thought Harry wanted. He feels like he's living out two realities and he can't keep up. It's making his head spin. It's different and it's the same and he doesn't want to think about what could be waiting for him on Friday night.

They're shuffled into their cars to head back. Louis climbs in with Niall and Niall tries not to be disappointed. He really shouldn't have expected that it would be Harry. He may be taking the steps to make things better, but it's far from perfect.

"I'm proud of you, mate," Louis says, once they're buckled in. "I didn't think you had it in you."

Niall breathes out a laugh. "I didn't think I had it in me either, to be honest."

"What made you decide to do it?'

Niall shrugs. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

Niall scrubs a hand over his face, looking out the window. "Let's just say, I thought I'd lost Harry for good and I was given a second chance that I didn't want to blow."

"Well... I'm rooting for you, Nialler."

Niall finally looks back at him. "Thank you," he says quietly.

 

 

When they make it back to the hotel, they go off their separate ways. Niall lays on his bed, tossing his phone back and forth between his hands. He's suddenly struck by the memory of what happened the first time he'd lived through this night and he swallows hard, guilt settling heavily inside him.

He chews on his lip and finally opens his texts, pulling up Harry's conversation.

_Can we talk?_ he sends.

Time stretches on and he's almost convinced he's not going to get a reply when his phone finally pings.

_Yeah._

Niall's off his bed in an instant, not bothering to put his shoes back on as he heads down the hall to Harry's room. He knocks at the door and Harry opens it, gazing at him for a moment before stepping aside to let him in. He motions to the couch and Niall takes a seat. Harry shuts the door and joins him.

"Listen, Haz... I didn't mean to make things weird," Niall says.

"I know," Harry says quietly.

"I just... I thought it's what you wanted." He knows it sounds lame, even to his own ears, but he doesn't really know how else to explain it. He can't exactly tell Harry that in an alternate universe, their positions had been reversed... and Niall had had a lot less patience with Harry.

"It was... is..." Harry sighs. "I don't know." He cards his fingers through his hair, mussing it up before letting it spill down around his shoulders again. "I wish you'd discussed it with me first."

"It was kind of a last minute decision."

"If I'd done that to you, you'd have flipped out."

Niall snorts. "Yeah. I'm aware." Far far too aware.

Harry looks away, chewing on his lip. Niall watches him carefully. He seems tense, uncertain. Niall wishes he could think of something to ease his mind.

"You've been acting weird today," Harry finally says, gaze dropping to his lap. "I want to believe this is real." He sniffles and Niall watches him wipe at his eyes. His heart breaks. He's doing everything he can to make things right and he's still somehow managing to hurt Harry. "I want to believe that you're getting better... that we're getting better. But it's hard. Fuck, Niall... just last night you told me I was a 'bloody sentimental twat' for wanting to do what you just did." He shakes his head, tears starting to fall down his cheeks. "And you didn't even ask before you did it. I just..." He takes in a deep breath, blinking to try and fight back the tears. "I need time. If this is who you want to be, then I want to be by your side. But I need time because I can't risk you changing your mind and watching everything fall apart again."

"Harry," Niall says, voice desperate. "I will do anything. Anything you ask of me to prove to you that I mean this. I want to be a different person now. I can't... I can't lose you." His voice catches on the last sentence and he shuts his eyes, fighting back the image of Harry's broken body laid out on the asphalt.

"No more drinking. No more drugs." Harry's voice is quiet but firm.

Niall opens his eyes again, meeting his gaze. He shakes his head emphatically. "Never again," he says.

Harry breathes deeply and nods.

 

 

Niall wakes to a blissfully clear head. He could definitely get used to waking up like this in the mornings.  
  
As he stands under the shower stream, he thinks back on the day before and a warmth spreads through him. It's been so long since he's had any kind of hope. He'd had so little left that made his life worthwhile and now... now he might actually be getting the most important part of it back.  
  
He swallows hard as the guilt starts to creep up on him. He'd given Harry such a hard time for so long and it was all for nothing. He feels lighter somehow, now that he's out. He can't imagine how good it's going to feel the day Harry can stand by his side.   
  
Friday still lingers in a dark corner of his mind, but he won't give in to the feeling of despair. He refuses to believe life would give him a second chance just to put him through the pain of losing Harry again. It had nearly killed him the first time. It might actually kill him if it happens again.  
  
He finally gets out of the shower and towels off. It's as he's getting ready to head out that the idea comes to him and he immediately texts Louis and Liam for a chat.  
  
  
They're late meeting Harry downstairs and his eyes dart between them when they all arrive together in the lobby.  
  
"Everything alright?" he asks, gaze finally resting on Niall.  
  
Niall smiles gently. "Everything's perfect, Haz."  
  
Harry still seems uncertain, glancing between Louis and Liam, but he doesn't say anything further.  
  
On the bus, Niall is pleased that Harry decides to hang out in the entertainment section with them and play two-on-two FIFA. When Harry declares he wants to be on Niall's team, Niall doesn't even care that they're guaranteed to lose. He's just glad things finally seem to be getting back to how they used to be.  


  
  
The first three songs are as uneventful as last time: Clouds, Steal My Girl, Little Black Dress.  
  
Niall had known, however, that he couldn't risk Where Do Broken Hearts Go happening the same way. Things may be looking up between them, but he's not taking any chances. Some things in this universe are still the same and that song won't be one of them.  
  
As Little Black Dress ends, Niall looks to Louis and Liam for confirmation. When they nod, he grabs his mic and moves forward on the stage.  
  
"What's up San Diego?!" He shouts and the audience screams. He laughs softly.  
  
"So... I'm not sure if you guys have heard of a little show called 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show'." The screams then are absolutely deafening and Niall grins, waiting for them to ease off before speaking again.  
  
"For the five of you in here who are unfamiliar with it, I kiiiiiiind of told her I have a boyfriend." He laughs again when the screams pick up and motions for them to quiet down.  
  
"Christ," he says, chuckling. "This story is gonna take forever if you do that after every sentence." When the screams start again he yells "Shut the fuck up!" but he's smiling too wide to have any real heat behind it. He speaks again when they're quiet enough.  
  
"Anyways, uhm... I'm sort of changing things up a bit tonight. This next song is one that's meant a lot to me since I first heard it. Every time I hear it, it reminds me of him." He struggles not to look at Harry for his reaction, knows it'll be a dead giveaway if he does. He keeps his eyes trained on the audience as he continues. "He's my absolute favorite person in the world. He's beautiful inside and out. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know. I have loved him... since we were 18." The audience erupts and Niall swallows hard, waiting for it to die down.  
  
"Forgive me if I butcher every part that is not my own," he says with a soft laugh before his eyes fall shut and he starts singing.  
  
_I got a heart and I got a soul  
Believe me, I will use them both  
We made a start, be it a false one I know  
Baby, I don't want to feel alone_  
  
He knows it's not the best he's ever sung. He hadn't exactly had time to practice, but he needed to do this. His voice cracks slightly on the last note and he takes a deep breath and hangs his head as the emotions get the best of him. The audience goes absolutely insane. Niall breathes in a shuddering breath and lifts his head. He grins at them and gives a small wave before turning to head back towards the other boys.

His eyes finally find Harry's and he can tell right away that Harry's been crying. As Niall draws near, Harry suddenly closes the remaining distance between them, throwing his arms around Niall.  
  
Niall barely registers the roar of the stadium behind him as he hugs Harry back tightly.  
  
"Thank you," Harry whispers.  
  
He presses a kiss to Niall's temple and Niall's heart nearly explodes. Just like that, they're out and proud and Niall's never been happier in his life.  


  
They tone down the affection on stage after that. This is still new for them and they're not quite sure how to handle it. If they happen to look at each other every time they sing a particularly sappy lyric, then so be it.  
  
Niall’s so wrapped up in Harry, he completely forgets what happened last time they sang Through the Dark. He's watching Harry dart around stage, laughing at him as he hypes up the crowd.  
  
And then he falls and Niall's heart stops.  
  
He can hear the tires screeching, the thud of Harry's body hitting the hood, then the asphalt.  
  
He's away from his mic stand before he even realizes, reaching Harry's side just as he's pulling himself up with a laugh.  
  
His eyes quickly scan Harry for injuries.  
  
"Are you ok?" he asks.  
  
Harry blushes but laughs softly. "I'm fine."  
  
Niall swallows hard. "Looked like a bad fall."  
  
Harry shrugs. "I've had worse." He tilts his head to the side then. "You've missed your verse."  
  
Niall shrugs. "I was worried."  
  
Harry gives him an odd look then but chuckles. "Thanks."  
  
They rejoin the song, but Niall's stomach doesn't settle for the remainder of the show. All he can think about is what might be waiting for him in a little over 24 hours.  


  
On the bus, Louis and Liam head straight for the entertainment section. Harry pauses in the kitchen, gazing at Niall timidly.  
  
"Do you want to share a bunk?" He asks.  
  
Niall feels his cheeks warming with his blush. "Yeah. Alright."  
  
Harry nods a bit and heads for his own bunk. He climbs in and scoots back as far as he can against the wall. Niall can feel the gazes of the other boys on him as he follows Harry.  
  
"Oi! I better not hear any moaning from that bunk!" Louis shouts.  
  
Niall rolls his eyes and Harry giggles.   
  
It's a tight fit in the bunk, their faces so close, Niall can almost count Harry's eyelashes. He starts to shift a bit to get more comfortable and Harry shifts with him. Their legs twine together, arms sliding around each other. Niall tucks his head under Harry's chin and sighs softly. They should probably talk, but he's so comfortable, warm and safe in Harry's arms after far too long.  
  
"G'night, Haz," he murmurs.  
  
"Night, Niall." Harry replies quietly.

 

 

Niall feels like he's barely slept when he's being nudged awake.  
  
"Hey," Harry whispers. "Wake up. We're back."  
  
Niall groans and nuzzles his neck. "Five more minutes."  
  
Harry laughs softly, rubbing his back. "You can sleep again when we get inside."  
  
Niall doesn't want to ask if Harry will be with him this time, doesn't want to overstep his bounds. This was already more than he could have hoped for.  
  
"Come on," Harry says gently.  
  
Niall sighs and finally pulls himself out of the bunk. He runs his fingers through his hair in a futile attempt to fix it as Harry climbs out after him.  
  
They finally exit the bus. Louis and Liam are already gone. He and Harry obtain their keys and make their way to the lifts.  
  
When they reach their floor, Harry pauses in the lift lobby, looking over at him. Niall's heart pounds.  
  
"Did you wanna...?" Harry clears his throat and motions in the direction of his room.  
  
Niall nods. "Yeah. Okay."  
  
Harry nods and leads the way. He unlocks the door and they enter, setting their bags down just inside the doorway.  
  
Harry gazes at him a bit nervously for a moment before slowly peeling off his shirt. Niall's breath catches. He's got every inch of Harry's skin memorized, but it's been so long since he's seen him in any state of undress.  
  
He can't help it when his gaze flicks down to the laurel leaves, following their path until they disappear into Harry's too-tight jeans. Niall could write songs about those laurel leaves.  
  
His gaze moves back up and he meets Harry's eyes, blushing slightly at being caught. His embarrassment disappears instantly when Harry closes the distance between them, crashing their lips together.  
  
Niall finds himself pressed against the wall, a moan escaping him as he clings to Harry, his back warm and soft beneath his hands.  
  
Harry claws at his shirt and Niall helps him pull it off before Harry's back on him again, attacking his neck with nips and kisses.  
  
Niall gasps, arching into him, and thrills at the groan he earns from Harry as their hips grind together. They're both half-hard already and Niall is desperate for more.  
  
He reaches between them, fumbling with Harry's jeans and Harry has to step back to kick them off along with his socks and shoes.  
  
Niall takes the time to rid himself of his own clothes until he's down to his briefs, and then Harry's on him again, kissing him.  
  
Niall whimpers against his lips as Harry's hands slip into the back of his pants, clutching his bare arse.  
  
"Fuck... Haz... Bed..." Niall gasps out between kisses.  
  
Harry manages to guide them across the room without letting up on his kisses. Niall falls back on the bed less than gracefully and gazes up at him.  
  
"Do you have the stuff?" he asks.  
  
Harry nods and goes to his luggage, rummaging around in it. Niall scoots to the middle of the bed and reaches for the lamp, clicking it on. It's been too long. He wants to be able to see everything.  
  
Harry finally returns, bottle of lube clutched in his fist. Something sad clouds his expression for a moment and it surprises Niall.  
  
"What's wrong, love?" he asks, scooting back towards Harry, where he's standing by the edge of the bed.  
  
Harry swallows hard, looking up at him. "You... You haven't with anyone else, have you?"  
  
Niall blinks at him, startled. It hits him then just how terrible he really was to Harry if Harry could think him capable of that.   
  
"What? No. Never. I would never cheat on you."  
  
Harry nods, still looking timid. Niall shifts onto his knees, resting his hands on Harry's waist.  
  
"Haz... We don't have to do anything you're not ready for. I'm just happy to be here with you again. Fuck, you have no idea how much I've missed you."  
  
Harry's eyes fill with tears then and Niall's heart breaks. He tugs Harry down for a hug and Harry falls into him easily, burying his face in his neck.  
  
"I've missed you too," he hears Harry whisper and he hugs him impossibly tighter.  
  
"I know," Niall whispers. He presses a kiss to Harry's temple.  
  
Harry finally lifts his head again and wipes at his eyes. Niall waits patiently, watching him breathe in deeply to compose himself.  
  
"Sorry," he mumbles. "Killed the mood."  
  
Niall kisses him softly. "Nothing to be sorry for." He brushes his fingers over Harry's cheek, enjoying the way Harry tilts his head into the touch.  
  
Harry seems to make a decision then. He breathes in deeply and leans down, kissing Niall softly. Niall runs his fingers up into Harry's hair.  
  
"Lie back," Harry murmurs.  
  
Niall swallows hard and nods. He scoots back to the middle of the bed and gets situated. Harry blushes, slipping his briefs off before climbing on the bed and settling between Niall's legs.  
  
"Fuck, you're beautiful," Niall whispers.  
  
Harry blushes deeper. He sets the lube aside then and slips his fingers into Niall's briefs, tugging them down slowly. Niall tries not to let his embarrassment show, but knows he must be blushing too.  
  
Harry tosses them aside and perches over Niall, gazing down at him.  
  
"I love you," Harry says, a hint of desperation in his voice.  
  
Niall's breath catches. "I love you too."  
  
Harry kisses him hard, finally lowering himself onto him. Niall moans at the feeling of Harry all over him. He's missed this so much, can't believe he was ready to resign himself to a life without Harry.  
  
Harry breaks the kiss and sits back again, grabbing the lube. He opens it and coats his fingers. Niall watches his every move intently.  
  
Harry drops his hand between his legs and Niall gasps when he feels the first press of his finger inside him. Harry pumps slowly, allowing Niall to adjust before slipping a second finger in.  
  
It's tight and Niall concentrates on relaxing, head falling back against the pillows. Harry brushes his prostate and Niall moans loudly, a bit of precome sliding down the underside of his cock.  
  
"Fuck, Harry," he breathes out.  
  
Harry does it again and Niall whimpers, arching slightly off the bed. Harry scissors his fingers, stretching him a bit before sliding a third in.  
  
Niall grasps at the sheets.  
  
"Haz..." he groans.  
  
Harry rubs his prostate again and Niall shudders.  
  
"Fuck, I'm not gonna last long if you keep doing that," Niall says, fingers tightening on the bed.  
  
"Are you ready for me?" Harry asks.  
  
Niall tilts his head up to look at him and nods. He wants Harry more than anything right now.  
  
Harry slides his fingers out and Niall gasps softly. He watches as Harry coats his cock with lube.  
  
Harry braces himself with a hand on Niall's leg, the other steadying his cock as he pushes in. Niall clenches his eyes shut, head falling back. It's a bit much and maybe he should have let Harry prep him a little longer, but he was too desperate to feel Harry inside him again.  
  
Harry bottoms out and stills, shifting so he can perch over Niall again.  
  
Niall opens his eyes, gazing up at him, suddenly feeling more whole than he's ever felt.  
  
He pulls Harry down into a kiss and Harry moans, starting to thrust into him. Niall wraps his legs around Harry's waist, drawing him closer.  
  
Niall knows he's not going to last much longer. His body is sensitive and it's been so long since they've done anything together. It's sensory overload, from the sound of their skin connecting as Harry thrusts into him to the bitter scent of sex already clinging to the air. Everything is Harry Harry Harry.  
  
When Harry's hand slips down between them to wrap around his cock, Niall feels the heat begin to coil in his stomach. Harry pumps him in time with his thrusts. His cock hits Niall's prostate just right and Niall spills out between them. Harry strokes him through it before focusing on his own pleasure.  
  
Niall's shivering but he clings to him and after a few more thrusts, he feels Harry spill out inside him.  
  
Harry collapses on top of him, cock slipping out of him.  
  
He's shivering too and Niall's heart feels full to bursting.  
  
For a long moment, they just lie there as they finally calm down, their breathing evening out. Niall presses a kiss to Harry's sweaty curls.  
  
"Fuck, Haz, that was amazing."  
  
He feels Harry's responding kiss to his shoulder.  
  
"I love you," Harry murmurs.  
  
"I love you too."  
  
Niall slowly falls asleep, Harry a warm, reassuring weight on top of him.

 

 

Niall wakes still wrapped up in Harry. As much as he never wants to move, he could still also really use a shower.  
  
"Harry," he murmurs, nudging him gently.  
  
Harry moans softly, his arms tightening around Niall.  
  
Niall laughs, kissing his head. "Haz, come on. I wanna shower."  
  
Harry snuffles softly, nuzzling into Niall's neck.  
  
"Then shower," he mumbles.  
  
Niall giggles. "I would, if a certain human octopus wasn't wrapped around me."  
  
"You're warm."  
  
"And sticky. Come on, Harry." He nudges him again. "Shower with me and then we can get right back in bed if you want."  
  
Harry sighs and Niall thinks he might just have to give up. Then, Harry finally releases him.  
  
"Thank you," Niall says. He leans in to press a quick kiss to Harry's lips before climbing out of bed. He looks down at Harry, still sprawled out under the covers.  
  
"Come on, Sleeping Beauty. Let's get clean."  
  
Harry groans and finally stands, shuffling after Niall into the bathroom.  
  


 

When they're finally clean, Niall makes good on his promise and they climb back into bed without even bothering to put clothes on.  
  
They agree on room service for breakfast and Niall didn't realize just how hungry he was until they start taking the lids off the food and his stomach rumbles.  
  
They pile their plates high and climb back in bed to eat, watching a bit of telly. Just as they're finishing up, Harry's phone rings.  
  
Harry glances at the screen and bites his lip. "I should take this. It's Gemma."  
  
"Do you need me to step out?"  
  
Harry seems to think about it, then shakes his head. "But it's FaceTime so we should probably put some trousers on," he says with a giggle.  
  
Niall laughs softly and they climb out of bed. By the time they're both decent, Harry's missed the call, so they get comfortable in bed again before he calls Gemma back.  
  
Her eyes are wide when she answers.  
  
"So it is true, then," she says, gaze flicking between Harry and Niall.  
  
"Hey, Gem," Niall says, scrubbing a hand over the back of his neck. "Long time no talk."  
  
Gemma blinks at him before turning a glare on her brother. "You come out to the world and don't think of warning your own bloody sister first?"  
  
Harry hangs his head sheepishly. "Sorry. Wasn't exactly planning it."  
  
"Kinda my fault," Niall throws in.  
  
Gemma looks at him again. "Don't think you're forgiven so easily, Niall James Horan..." she sighs, seeming resigned. "But for what it's worth, I'm glad you finally came round."  
  
Niall glances at Harry before looking back at Gemma. He swallows hard.  
  
"Finally woke up one morning and realized how close I was to losing him."  
  
Harry wraps an arm around him, pressing a kiss to his temple and Niall sinks into him.  
  
"Don't worry, Gemma," Harry says. "We're working on things."  
  
Gemma sighs again. "You and I are going to have a long chat, little brother," she says. "But for now, I'm glad the hardest part is out of the way."  
  
"Thanks, Gem.”  
  
Harry and Gemma catch up for a bit and when they finally ring off, Harry pulls Niall close and just holds onto him for a moment.  
  
"You ok?" Niall asks.  
  
"Yeah," Harry says quietly. "Just... glad to have you back."  
  
Niall swallows hard and clings to him tightly. If only Harry knew just how deeply Niall felt that sentiment.  


 

Niall's in the bathroom, fixing his hair so they can maybe go out for dinner, when he hears his own phone ring.  
  
"Haz? Can you check who that is?" He calls out.  
  
There's silence from the room. The phone stops mid-ring.  
  
Niall hears Harry talking but the conversation is muffled. He frowns and pads out to the bedroom. Harry's seated on the edge of the bed, back to Niall. His shoulders are tense and he's speaking in a harsh, clipped tone.  
  
"I should have known it was you," Harry says. "Don't you ever call this number again." He rings off and slams the phone down on the bed.  
  
Niall swallows hard. "Haz?" he says timidly.  
  
Harry doesn't turn around.  
  
Niall takes a step forward. "Harry?"  
  
"Don't!" Harry barks. "Don't come near me."  
  
Niall feels tears sting his eyes. "What happened? Who was that?" he asks, though deep down, he has a pretty good idea.  
  
"Zayn," Harry snarls.  
  
Niall's stomach clenches. "Harry..."  
  
"No!" Harry finally stands, turning to look at him. His eyes are blazing. "Out of all the people in the world, you've been running off to him?"  
  
This fight sounds painfully familiar and Niall feels himself starting to panic. This can't be happening. Not now. Not when things were going so well.  
  
"Harry, please let me explain," he says, tears starting to slip down his cheeks.  
  
"How much does he know about us?" Harry asks.  
  
Niall shrugs. "I don't know. Just that things were rough for a bit. I didn't mean for it to happen! I didn't seek him out. Not at first. We ran into each other at a party and..." He sniffles, trying to maintain his composure. "We just got to talking and it was nice to be able to talk to someone who just gets it. He's been here. He knows us. I didn't have to try and explain anything or defend myself. He just got it."  
  
Harry shakes his head. "I can't believe you would do this to me." His voice cracks and Niall's heart breaks.  
  
"Harry, please," Niall wipes at his eyes, his own voice thick with his tears. "I didn't mean anything by it. Louis and Liam were always on your side. I just needed someone to talk to. I know I'm an idiot. I'll never speak to him again. I'm sorry."  
  
"Please just get out. I need time to think."  
  
"Harry..."  
  
"Please go."  
  
Niall nods. He grabs his phone and the key card for his own room and leaves, heading down the hall to his room. He lays on his bed, buries his face in his pillow, and cries. At least this fight didn't end like last time.

 

 

An hour later, there's a knock at the door.  
  
He thinks about not answering it but then,  
  
"Niall? Are you in there?"  
  
Niall springs off the bed and opens the door. Harry's standing there, eyes red-rimmed. Niall doesn't even let him get a word out before he flings his arms around him. Harry hugs him tight, pressing a kiss to his temple.  
  
"I'm so sorry," Niall says. "I'll never speak to him again."  
  
Harry sighs. "Let's go inside for this chat, yeah?"  
  
Niall nods and pulls away. They enter Niall's room and Harry sinks down on the edge of the bed, patting the space beside him. Niall sits and gazes at him expectantly.  
  
"I wish you'd just told me. I get why you didn't when we were having our issues, but you could have told me now that we're working on things."  
  
"I didn't even think about it, I swear."  
  
"Are there any other secrets you need to tell me?"  
  
Niall shakes his head emphatically. "No."  
  
Harry searches his face for a moment before nodding.  
  
"Alright." He reaches out and cups Niall's cheek. "I love you. It's going to take awhile for me to trust you again, but I love you. That will always be true."  
  
Niall swallows hard. "I will do everything I can to earn your trust back."  
  
Harry nods. "I know." He pulls Niall into his arms and hugs him tightly, burying his face in his neck. "Niall..." He sighs, pressing a kiss to his neck.  
  
Niall hears him sniffle and hugs him tighter.  
  
"I know, Haz."

 

 

Niall wakes to the sound of the room door opening and shutting. His brow furrows.  
  
"Haz?" He calls out, sitting up.  
  
He spies the note on the nightstand.  
  
_Went for takeaway. Back soon. x H_  
  
Niall looks at the clock. 11:50pm.  
  
His eyes widen and he jumps out of bed as fast as he can, tugging on his clothes. If it's anything like last time, Harry will be hit by the car at 11:58. How could he have let his guard down? How could he be so stupid?  
  
He runs out into the hall but Harry's long gone. The elevator seems to take forever to arrive and when it finally gets to the lobby, Niall runs faster than he ever has in his life, ignoring the stares it earns him.  
  
His lungs burn as his feet pound pavement, tears stinging his eyes. He turns down the side street just in time to watch Harry dart after the dog.  
  
Niall can hardly breathe, can hardly think. He chases after Harry, sees the startled look on his face, and shoves him out of the way.  
  
He hears the screech of tires, feels a pain more blinding than the headlights.  
  
The world goes dark.


	4. Chapter 4

Niall groans. There's an incessant beeping somewhere to his left. He tries to swat at it and gasps as a searing pain shoots through his arm. It seems to radiate and multiply until his entire body feels like it's on fire. Tears sting his eyes.  
  
"Niall?" He hears and then Harry's face is above him.  
  
"Oh my God, Niall," he watches Harry's eyes fill with tears and he wants to comfort him, but his mouth feels too heavy all of a sudden, jaw clenched tight from the pain.  
  
He slips back into unconsciousness.

 

  
  
The next time he wakes, his brain feels cloudy. He blinks to try and clear away the feeling of being underwater.  
  
"Harry?" he thinks he says, but his voice feels all jumbled up and cottony in his mouth.  
  
A chair creaks and Harry appears over him, smiling down at him. There are tears in his eyes again and he wonders why Harry is crying so much.  
  
"Hey, love," Harry whispers. "How are you feeling?"  
  
Niall tries to think but there's not really much there and Harry's just so pretty. So so pretty.  
  
His mouth still feels like it's filled with cotton and he coughs, a sharp, quick pain shooting through his chest that makes him gasp.  
  
"Hold on," Harry says and disappears from his line of sight. Niall wants to complain but can't find the words and soon, Harry is back with a styrofoam cup.  
  
Wonderful Harry always knows how to take care of him.  
  
Harry helps him lift his head and sip from the straw and the cotton feeling finally leaves his mouth. He blinks up at Harry and Harry smiles at him and Niall's never seen anything more beautiful.

 

  
  
Niall slips in and out of consciousness and every time, Harry is there with exactly what he needs. Sometimes Harry cries and sometimes he doesn't and Niall wishes he felt like talking, but he's too tired to find words.

 

  
  
  
When Niall is finally able to maintain consciousness for an extended period, he sort of wishes he wasn't. He can tell he's doped up but underneath it, there's an idea of pain that just won't leave. Every bone in his body is screaming at him but it's all sitting just on the edge of a nearly blissful fog. He wants to think himself out of it, but knows if he does, he'll come face-to-face with the pain waiting on the other side.  
  
Niall tilts his head to search for Harry and finds him tucked up in a hard plastic chair, fast asleep. He's turned sideways, legs dangling over one side, head lolling on his chest and it can't be good for his neck. He wonders if that's how he's really been sleeping for however long Niall's been here.  
  
Niall finally gets a chance to look at him properly and his heart lurches painfully. There's a large bruise painted over most of his bicep. It's still a bit purple, though it's fading to a yellow-green around the edges. There's a bandage on his elbow where Niall thinks a decent sized scrape must be hiding.  
  
His brow furrows. He tries again to wade through the fogginess to remember what happened, but when he starts to feel like he's reaching something logical, a sharp pain flashes through him and he gasps.  
  
Harry jolts awake and rights himself quickly.  
  
"Niall? What's wrong? What do you need?"  
  
He's instantly alert and awake, eyes scanning over Niall to assess whatever damage he thinks there may be.  
  
"Hurts," Niall says, clenching his teeth.  
  
"Hold on," Harry says. He grabs a button from Niall's bed and clicks it twice before setting it back down.  
  
It takes a moment but then there's a wall between Niall and the pain and the fog is back, but he feels nice.  
  
"Mm. Beautiful Harry," he thinks he says. "I love my Harry."  
  
Harry laughs softly, fondness in his eyes. "Well I love my Niall," he says and Niall's never heard anything so wonderful in his life.

  
  
  
It takes another two days for him to get visitors other than Harry. He's learned from the doctors that he was in and out for a week. He's got cracked ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and a broken leg, which explains the constant feeling of absolute hell hanging over him. He's remembered bits and pieces of the accident but hasn't had the energy to think about it.  
  
He's shocked when it's not just Louis and Liam who arrive, but Zayn as well, shuffling in sheepishly after them.  
  
Niall looks to Harry, sure the pain meds are making him hallucinate.  
  
"What's wrong, love?" Harry asks.  
  
"Zayn..." Niall manages.  
  
"I can go," he hears Zayn mumble and his eyes dart back to him.  
  
"No," Niall manages and his voice catches in his throat.  
  
He feels tears sting his eyes and curses the pain meds.  
  
It's the first time in months that all five of them are together in the same room. Niall takes in the sight of his four favorite people standing by his bedside and cries. Some things are worth the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys... this is the final actual chapter omg. The next one is the epilogue. I can't believe it's already almost over. To the lovely people sticking with me every week, thank youuuuuuu! I will probably post it Friday next week, but not 100% sure, so you may get a surprise Thursday post.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I forgot to post! Sorry! Things have been kind of hectic lately. But this is it. Thank you so so so so much to everyone who has stuck with me. This fic has a special place in my heart so I really appreciate all the kind words.

**Epilogue - 6 Months Later**  
  
Niall pulls himself out of bed with a groan.  
  
Ever since the accident, his bad knee has become his worst knee. It's not even the leg he'd broken, but his knee seems determined not to be upstaged. He still walks with a cane which is a real task sometimes with his uncooperative shoulder. Still, he's here and, more importantly, so is Harry. He'd take a bit of discomfort any day for the man he can hear singing in the shower. It's a song Niall doesn't recognize, so it must be something new he's working on.  
  
Niall raps at the door with his cane before entering. Harry stops singing and grins at him through the glass door of the shower.  
  
"Joining me?" he asks.  
  
"Aren't you almost done?"  
  
Harry shrugs. "I'll stay in if it means you're coming in with me."  
  
Niall thinks it over and hangs his cane on the towel rack, shucking his briefs and stepping into the shower. Part of the reason they'd bought this place is because it has a separate bath and shower, which is easier on Niall's knees at the moment. The fact that the tub is a jacuzzi tub is just an added bonus.  
  
Harry waits until he shuts the door behind him to wrap his arms around him, kissing him softly.  
  
"How's the pain today?" he asks.  
  
"Mm. Six." Considering yesterday had been a nine, he'll take it. Physical therapy had been a nightmare.  
  
Harry pouts anyway and Niall laughs softly.  
  
"It takes time, Haz. I'm fine."  
  
Harry sighs. "I know." He kisses Niall's forehead and Niall leans into him, enjoying the water cascading down around them. The warmth eases the pain a bit.  
  
"Besides... We have more important things to discuss..." Niall starts, arching an eyebrow at him.  
  
Harry's brow furrows.  
  
"Something you wanna tell me? Having my baby?" Niall says, referring to the song he'd caught Harry singing. He snickers at the blush that creeps over Harry's cheeks.  
  
"I'm not pregnant. I got a girl pregnant. It's a metaphor," Harry mumbles.  
  
Niall laughs softly. "I'll take your word for it," he says, pressing a kiss to his lips. "It's a good song."  
  
"Thanks," Harry says, grin lighting up his face.  
  
One Direction's been on hiatus since the accident and Niall thinks it might just be the best thing that's happened to any of them. Even he's started dabbling with some solo songs to kill the time. Most of them are about Harry.

 

  
  
Today's mental therapy instead of physical therapy. His brain's been a bit broken since the accident too. He's still never remembered all the details of it but when bright stage lights threaten to give him a panic attack, he knows he needs a bit of fixing. His career kind of depends on it.  
  
"Hello, Niall," Dr. Montgomery greets him with a warm smile.  
  
"Hey, doc," Niall says, wincing as he lowers himself carefully on the couch, resting his cane beside him.  
  
"How's your week been?" Dr. Montgomery asks as he takes a seat in the chair across from him.  
  
Niall shrugs. "Okay. Finished a new song. Pretty proud of it."  
  
"That's great! How are the dreams?"  
  
Niall sighs, scrubbing a hand over the back of his neck. "Same as always. I get there just a little bit too late and wake up still able to feel his blood on my hands."  
  
"Have you told Harry? About the first dream?"  
  
Niall bites his lip and shakes his head. He'd told Dr. Montgomery about Harry's death, but only in the context of a weirdly prophetic dream. He's sure he'd be locked away for good if he tried to explain that he'd relived three entire days.  
  
"I think you should. It'll help you face this residual fear you have of losing him. Let him comfort you, Niall. It's not a sign of weakness to need help carrying a burden."  
  
Niall just nods and Dr. Montgomery scribbles something on his pad of paper before moving on.

 

  
  
Niall breathes in deeply as he exits the building. Harry's already waiting for him in the Range Rover. He rolls the window down as Niall approaches.  
  
"Hey, baby. Need a ride?" he says with a smirk.  
  
Niall snorts and rolls his eyes fondly. "You're an idiot."  
  
Harry giggles.   
  
Niall opens the door and braces himself, climbing into the car. He shuts the door behind himself and turns to Harry for a kiss.  
  
"Hey. How'd it go?" Harry asks.  
  
Niall shrugs. "Okay."  
  
"Wanna talk about it?"  
  
One of the things Niall loves most about Harry is knowing that he's not trying to pry. It's an offer in case Niall needs to vent, but if he ever says no, Harry changes the subject. He's perfect and Niall still never can figure out what he's done to deserve him.  
  
He breathes in deeply, thinking back over Dr. Montgomery's words.   
  
"Later," he says and Harry nods.  


 

  
Niall's never revisited the scene of the accident. It's another thing Dr. Montgomery has been suggesting. He decides to tackle everything at once.  
  
Harry gives him a strange look when Niall asks to stop for flowers first, but he doesn't say anything and Niall doesn't explain himself. Not yet.  
  
Harry pulls the car over on the side of the road. Niall can see the spot where the dog was sitting before it turned their worlds upside down. His heart pounds in his chest and he swallows hard. The cellophane around the flowers crinkles as his fingers clench around them.  
  
"Hey..." Harry says, resting a hand on his leg.  
  
Niall jumps slightly and turns to look at him.  
  
"Are you sure you're ready to do this?"  
  
Niall breathes in deeply and slowly loosens his grasp on the flowers.  
  
"Yeah," he says.  
  
Harry still eyes him warily so he takes in another deep breath, strengthening his resolve.  
  
"No. I'm not ready. I'll never be ready. But I need to do this."  
  
Harry nods then. "Okay."  
  
They finally get out of the car and Niall has to fight to maintain his composure. He hobbles forward until he reaches the place where the dog and Harry stood so many months ago.  
  
He hangs his head, tears sliding down his cheeks.  
  
Harry steps forward then, resting a hand on his shoulder and Niall leans into him.  
  
"What's going on, love?" Harry asks, running his fingers through Niall's hair.  
  
Niall breathes in deeply and looks up at him. Harry's here. Alive and beautiful in front of him. He needs to remember that.  
  
He sighs.  
  
"I haven't told you everything. About that night."  
  
Harry's brow furrows but he stays quiet.  
  
Niall looks down at the flowers in his hand, wiping at his eyes.  
  
"I knew what was coming. I... I can't explain it without sounding like I've lost my mind. Just... because of it, I wake up every morning afraid all of this is a dream and I was too late and you... you didn't make it." He shuts his eyes, replaying that first time over in his head, feeling his heart clench in his chest. It's so vivid, the iron scent of blood clinging to the air, Harry's prone body splayed out on the asphalt, the long hours in the hospital.  
  
"You died, Harry. We fought and you died thinking I didn't love you and somehow, I got a second chance." Niall chokes on a sob, forcing himself to keep talking. "I woke up the next morning and you were alive and I thought it must have been a dream. I worked so hard to show you how loved you are because I couldn't bear the thought of you not knowing. I hated myself for letting you die without knowing." He pauses to take a breath, wiping at his eyes. "I thought when we made up, that was it. I thought I had done everything I needed to do to deserve to keep you. When you left... when I found your note..." he shakes his head. "I couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist. I'd been through it once. I couldn't do it again."  
  
He finally looks up at Harry, seeing the confusion written across his features.  
  
"That's... That's how you knew where I'd be," he says. "I never understood how you found me."  
  
Niall swallows and nods. "I'd already chased you there once."  
  
"Christ..." Harry hugs Niall close and Niall sobs into his shoulder, hearing Harry sniffle softly.  
  
"I love you so much," Harry says.  
  
"I love you too," Niall whispers.  
  
When they finally break apart, the flowers are slightly crumpled so Niall reshapes them. He leans down, setting them against the wall and sighs softly as he stands again, looking to Harry.  
  
His hair is whipping gently around him in the light breeze, hands shoved in the pockets of his jacket. His eyes are still red-rimmed, but shine so brightly in the setting sun. He's real. He's alive. And he's Niall's. Somehow, miraculously, he's chosen Niall of all people.  
  
Niall makes his way back to him, resting his head on his shoulder as Harry's arms encircle him.  
  
There's a universe out there where he's not so lucky. Where Harry died and it's Niall's fault. For that Harry, he's laid the flowers, to show that he was always loved.  
  
For this Harry, it's time to move on and build their lives together without the weight of his phantom guilt.  
  
He tilts his head up and smiles, warmed by the softness of the smile he receives in return.  
  
They're far from perfect, but they're even further from where they were when they first found themselves in this spot.  
  
Niall has big plans to spend the rest of his life loving Harry with every fiber of his being.


End file.
